Thought Catalog

Why I Finally Stopped Faking Orgasms

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@vitaly

The initial stages of a sexual relationship are exciting, mysterious and occasionally a bit awkward. We’re discovering a new person with unique desires, and the pressure of having amazing sex with a new person can be overwhelming. We don’t know this person well enough to be totally ourselves, and yet we want them to like us. So what do we do? We fake our orgasm, because we’re focused on looking great to this new person instead of feeling great. Don’t deny it, we’re all guilty — and if you haven’t, you’re either a dude or a goddess … and you can save yourself some time and stop reading this. For the rest of you, there’s so much that’s not OK about faking orgasm, let’s talk about it: 

 

You Give Your Partner The Wrong Idea 

Faking it gives very unreal expectations to your partner. If they are touching you and it isn’t hitting the spot, but you’re pretending you’re on Planet Ecstasy, they’re going to continue with what they think works. You’re Pavloving to your disadvantage, ladies. 

 

I would define myself as an empathetic person. And I will admit, I’ve faked more than a handful of orgasms in my life. I wanted my partner to feel good, and I didn’t want him to think I was unable to orgasm in an efficient amount of time. But faking started to wear on me in strange ways. For one, I realized even though in the moment I was honorably protecting the ego of my partner, in the long run I wasn’t getting my needs met. Sex started feeling like a chore, and it was no one’s fault but my own. But that didn’t stop me from taking it out on him, which leads me to my next point. 

 

You’re Building An Intimacy Wall 

Have you ever blown up on your partner for seemingly no reason only to realize later that the problem is multi-layered — for some reason you two can’t seem to find common ground? Your not-so-honest sex life might be at fault. Sex is an intimate form of communication, and if your sex life is based on faked ecstasy, odds are other communication platforms will be affected. 

 

Think about it, your partner is thinking you’ve been orgasming all along, so when you start to get clingy, jealous, possessive or moody, it will come as a complete surprise. In the end faking orgasm is deception, and it creates a wall between you and your partner.

 

You Forget What You Like

When I was a frequent faker, I faked myself into forgetting what I like. I got so good at faking, I start associating sex with a performance. And while I got a mini high off of my partner feeling good, I realized all I got was disappointment and a chafed nether region. 

 

Faking Makes Porn A Winner

Porn sort of told us how we should look, sound and say under the sheets so our partners will be aroused. But it also showed us how to lie our asses off to please the man. So hold up, by that logic we are surrendering our own pleasure to satisfy a man. That doesn’t feel right.

 

We’re all old enough to know porn is an unrealistic representation of sex. So then, how did we decide to believe a male can bring a female to orgasm in just a few minutes, every time? Women know this is impossible, but we feed into this rumor by faking orgasms — not just once, but so often that there are iconic film scenes dedicated to the art of faking it.

 

You’re Positioning Your Strengths Against You

Men are most aroused by turning on a woman — and who can blame them, we’re sexy as f*ck when we’re feeling good. The irony is that women are accommodating, empathetic creatures who will fake it ’til we oh-oh-almost make it. So your partner gets what they want: an orgasm and the illusion that they’ve gotten you off. And you’re left without the big-O prize. While we’re on the subject of the “ultimate” victory let’s look my next point:

 

Faking Crowns Orgasm As The Only Goal

OK, this isn’t all on you. Film and media have done an exceptional job illustrating orgasm as the one and only purpose of sex. But there is so, so much more. If we spent half the amount of time exploring our partners sensually as we do pretending to climb our peak, we could finally ditch the orgasm-or-bust mentality. Sounds like a win-win.

 

 

How To Climb Out Of The Fake Orgasm Rut 

 

1. If you’re in an LTR, try something new with your partner. This will put you both on clean canvas, where there’s no expectations.

2. Help your partner understand the intricacies of female pleasure. Because we’ve all been a bit brainwashed to think orgasm is the one and only goal of sex, a little rewiring is in order. After sex, tell your partner that even though you didn’t orgasm, you enjoyed a, b and c.

 3. Tell your partner what you like before, during and after sex. 

 4. Masturbate. Reacquaint yourself with your body. Explore your deepest sensual desires. If you don’t know how to pleasure yourself, it’s damn near impossible to show your partner how to pleasure you.  

 

Sex is when we are at our most vulnerable — we’re naked, we’re giving ourselves and receiving another, and we’re developing a unique intimacy with another beautiful person. With all the pressure and intensity surrounding sex, it’s completely understandable to have a hard time opening up to a sexual partner. After all, we want that person to want us again, even if we have to exaggerate some things in the bedroom (we can blame empathy for that.)

 

The bottom line is, orgasms aren’t the only thing women fake, but building a bed of lies is an unsatisfying, unethical way to go about one of life’s most mind-blowing gifts. TC mark

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