My home away from home. Target, how I could write endless poetry about thee. You have been my therapy for over a decade. How can simply walking up and down your aisles ease my mind and soul? If I could marry a store, I would marry you in a heartbeat.
I assume everyone is also in love with Target and releases endless endorphins upon arrival. When I lived by myself and didn’t know many people, I would go to Target after work and roam for hours. It just feels right. Perhaps it is the love of all our lives. It heals all wounds, including making you feel better about the following:
1. Shia LaBeouf’s health. But, really, is he okay? Perhaps breathing in their candle selections and taking a look at their philosophy books will soothe you. You’ll suddenly think all is well in the world and everyone will be alright in the end.
2. Getting dumped over text message. “Sry it’s not you it’s me :( ” He or she probably doesn’t deserve you anyway. However, maybe you are a huge asshole and should work on becoming a better person. Either way, you can buy lots of Ben & Jerry’s from Target, especially Super Target.
3. Your dirty laundry is covering your entire bedroom.
It is a full-on project. It cannot be handled alone. Tell yourself you will get cash to go to the laundromat or buy yourself a reward if you actually take care of it. There is always just buying packs of new underwear as well.
4. Getting rear-ended. “Oops, I didn’t see you there.” After you trade insurance information and call your parents crying, head on over to the closest Target. It could have been much worse. Bumpers are there for a reason. Get yourself an Icee at the food court and do some people watching.
5. You don’t own Spice World on Blu-ray. This world means nothing without it. If they don’t have it, they do have at least one movie to temporarily hold you over. You can literally buy the first season of Party Down for $5.00. Watch it immediately.
6. Your family living 1,000s of miles away. There is no joke. You’re genuinely sad about it. Go to the greeting cards and pick one out for them. Everyone loves getting mail. You should also call your mom. As you walk around aimlessly, text her pictures so y’all can make fun of things together.
7. Not getting invited to Megan’s party. “Guess I have to drink wine by myself again.” No matter what age you are, getting excluded from something will always suck. Pick yourself out a sweet berry wine and a CD. I suggest The Best of Whitney Houston. Enjoy having a night to yourself or cry yourself to sleep and wake up feeling better.
8. You’re trying to eat healthy & can’t go to Taco Bell. The struggle is real. Target will distract you for a while at least. Pick up some produce or a cold juice. They have approximately a hundred health magazines at all times. You can look at a few to get motivated. When none of this works, buy ingredients to make your own tacos. This requires more effort, but maybe you won’t have a heart attack or accidentally eat horse meat.
9. Your roommates watched this week’s episode of The Leftovers without you. Honestly, very rude. They should be punished by not getting the privilege of your company for the evening. Go to Target after work and get a cozy throw blanket and the book, The Leftovers. You can read it in its’ entirety and threaten your roommates if they ever watch it without you again, you will tell them everything that happens.
10. You read too many emotional articles about dogs. It only had three legs. Queue endless sobbing. Splash some cold water on your face. Throw on some leggings and a giant sweatshirt and go get a dog calendar. This will be adorable and serve as a reminder to stop reading dog literature unless you can cry for three straight hours. If you want to get it all out of your system at once, buy Marley & Me.
11. Your boss forgot your name. You’ve only worked there for six months. Try not to take it too personally even though a name is as personal as it gets. He or she is probably stressed and doesn’t even remember his or her own name. Target has some fantastic office supplies. You can get mushroom shaped Post-Its and tiny picture frames. Next time your name is forgotten, at least you’ll have cute things to focus on.
12. Your girlfriend won’t stop watching UFO shows. Aliens exist. Get over it. Let her watch them and say you’ll be back soon. You can kill a lot of time by looking at the 30% off clearance rack. There is nothing you want on this rack, but you can try things on and say, “Ehh, it isn’t great, but it is only $6.54. I should get it.”
13. You’re a bridesmaid and just found out you have to walk down the aisle with the grossest groomsman. “Okay… he is a foot shorter than I am. He doesn’t wear deodorant…” You should attempt to get your mind of things. Go to the luggage section. This is often forgotten about, but there are some treasures. So many neck pillows! Tell yourself from now on, you are going to save each week and go on a trip. A trip revolving around your own enjoyment rather than someone else’s wedding.
14. Your younger sibling is more successful than you. A promotion? Neat. This can be frustrating. Purchase a notepad. You are now going to write pros and cons of your life. Figure out how to not be miserable. Also, grab your sibling a congratulations card so if they get rich, you won’t feel as guilty asking for money.
15. The summer heat and humidity has ruined your life. Attempting to pull off frizzy hair and sweat stains as trendy can only go on for so long. Your apartment or house might not have air conditioning. Target does. Throw your hair up in a ponytail and go directly to the frozen section. Try to decide on the most delicious box of popsicles. This will definitely take a while. Stand with the glass door open until security is notified.
16. Student loans. Education! Yay! Go sit in one of their display chairs. It doesn’t matter if it is for a child or a preteen. You will be comfortable. Sigh loudly until a stranger asks you if you need help. Try to sigh even deeper when an eccentric elderly person passes. They could be a generous millionaire looking for someone to leave their inheritance to.
17. Your favorite books being made into terrible films. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. WTF. You will be furious. Go pump some iron with the weights in the sporting department. They might only have five pound weights. You will need to get pretty buff. After you live at Target for a few months, you will be strong enough to find the person responsible for ruining one of your favorite books and beat them up.
18. Your boyfriend didn’t compliment the winged eyeliner that took you 45 minutes to apply. “Oh, I thought your eyelids always looked like that.” As punishment, he will need to spend an afternoon looking at every single makeup item Target has for sale with you. Explain the difference between all of the brands. Have him choose shades of nail polish for you. After he experiences this, he will most likely pay attention to your eyelids.
19. Your mom just discovered emojis. You repeatedly ask her legitimate questions and only get corn and turtle emojis in response. Leave your cell phone in your glove compartment in your car. Waste 30 minutes looking at the sticker aisle. By the time you return to your cell phone, the silent treatment will have paid off. She will think you are dead and instantly settle down with her emoji use.
20. You have to move soon and don’t own a truck. Is posting a Craigslist ad looking for a friend with a truck a euphemism for something? Ask every single person at Target if they have a truck. Someone will end up helping you. If this is too demanding of you, just buy some more packing tape and a cold Coke. You can rent a truck, so chin up. Finish packing and you’ll find some sort of solution.
21. People still having goatees. No, thanks. Sometimes you may get slightly worried about the rest of society. This is natural. If you are feeling overwhelmed, hanging out around the patio furniture might relax you. Take a gander at the rows of flower seeds and think of a utopia in which creeps don’t exist.
22. You can’t afford to buy groceries from Whole Foods. Should we all be spending $20.85 on almonds? No, we shouldn’t. Stay inside and don’t spend any money. Prop yourself up in bed and grab your best friend, your laptop. Do some window shopping on Target’s website. You’ll get satisfaction from placing things in your electronic cart even if you never check out.
23. You paid to see the Transformers movie in theaters. You can’t stop saying, “I think we found a transformer” in a Mark Wahlberg accent. You will be in a public place and hopefully stop saying it. After walking around for a while, if you are still saying it, buy The Departed. Marky Mark’s best film in my opinion.
24. You met a baby named Trophy. She was dressed better than you. Babies can be intimidating. However, mosey over to the baby section. Now, dwell on the fact they have to shit their own pants and wait for someone to change them. You should also fawn over the precious infant clothes and remember your future children will have real names and be perfect.
25. Anything. Target fixes all.