Jonah Hill is definitely one of America’s sweethearts, and I have no doubt the man would make a wonderful BFF. (If you didn’t fall in love with him in Superbad, what is wrong with you?!) Even if you aren’t attracted to him, you at least wanted to snuggle next to him in sleeping bags, sharing secrets over Pizza Rolls. He now dwells both in the Oscar-nominated dramatic actor world and the charming guy-next-door Apatow world. He might be a little hard to get in contact with at the moment, and I am sure his schedule is like, so packed, but maybe he could pencil me in to do the following:
1. Go to a baseball game and eat hot dogs.
I don’t care which teams are playing. We could wear hats and foam fingers. We can just sit and eat lots of hot dogs and cheer wildly. I’ll let him talk about Moneyball. I have quite a few questions about Chris Pratt’s physique in it. Perhaps he could answer them for me.
2. Have a scrapbook party for an entire weekend.
I don’t think Hill is a grandma, but I feel like he has a real appreciation for sentimentality. We could crack open a couple bottles of wine and party. Let’s go through photo albums together, bro! Stickers! More stickers!
3. Watch made-for-TV Christmas movies.
Hallmark, yes. ABC Family, yes. That one movie about Christmas shoes with Rob Lowe, yes. I will need to discuss the classic, Holiday in Handcuffs, with Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. He will probably want to mute it and make up our own dialogue. I will exclaim, “Damn, Jonah, you read my mind!” We could then shop for collections of beautiful snow globes.
4. Make out.
Maybe we would be sober or maybe we would be a little tipsy. It will happen no matter what. It would happen with anyone, okay. Even if you are an Emma Stone-type babe, it will happen. Have you seen the dazzling baby blue jewels he has for eyes? I bet he even has a fantastic couch to make out on.
5. Shop at Sharper Image.
Who else would you rather make fun of gadgets with? Your mom? No, thanks. You would want Jo-Jo by your side. The two of us could sit in massage chairs. We could make all of the other shoppers feel uncomfortable by making inappropriate gestures. We could freak out the nervous-looking teen employee by saying we broke the most expensive item in the store.
6. Battle in a drinking contest.
I don’t think it would be a normal or even slightly logical drinking contest. (I guess none of them are.) I would like for it to revolve around a board game such as Yahtzee. Maybe the two of us will take a shot if we roll a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6. Is this already a game? Do people play Monopoly and drink anytime they pass go? We can make it a game then. I would call being the wheelbarrow!
7. Get rowdy at a concert.
I would obviously ask him to go to an Aerosmith show. We could wear lots of beads and feathers and scarves around our heads. We would dance and dance and dance. We would entertain and bond with all of the 40 year old women jizzing in their pants around us. Purchasing matching t-shirts would be a must.
8. Play with puppies.
Imagine a large field and the cutest puppies possible roaming freely. I am there and Jonah has just carried in a picnic basket full of cotton candy and BLT sandwiches. The fun is about to begin. We could just lay in the grass as puppies crawl on top of us. We can roll down giant hills racing the puppies. Dream life for all of us, I assume.
9. Attend a funeral.
This one sounds a little odd. However, if you have to attend a funeral — which all of us have or will at some point in our lives — you want someone comforting and funny to accompany you. Is there anyone who doesn’t think he is a magnificent hugger? He would know the right jokes or maybe the wrong jokes to say under his breath to make you chuckle through the tears.
10. Golfing on a Saturday morning.
At this point, I think absolutely anything would be fun with Jonah. Golfing appears boring, but the two of us cruising around in a golf cart and wearing plaid pants together sounds adorable. We wouldn’t even keep score. We could try to win by having the worst score. We would repeat the phrase, “Can you wash these balls for me?” over and over again.