Trigger warning: Depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation
I was eight or nine when you first started coming around. I remember the exact day. I was lying on those hideous floral maroon sheets, crying to my mom, telling her that I could not breathe.
Later that night, I laid there, this time in my own bed. Praying to God to let me fall asleep and never wake up again. This was the first time I really got personal with you.
Remember when I would fake being sick so that I could ditch school with you in the 7th grade? And when that failed, we spent many lunch breaks together crying in the bathroom.
You robbed me of my adolescence. You were there at every turn to tell me I was not good enough. You made me feel guilty for telling anyone that anything was wrong.
Here we are almost 20 years later, and you have been my longest relationship. An abusive one. You have been twisting my arm behind my back to save face, to not let me forget that you own me.
I still think about wanting to die, but now, it is more the part of me that belongs to you that I want dead. I have tried to cut you out of my thigh, but that only worked temporarily. I often think about drowning you in the cold river, but I know deep down I cannot let you win because that would take away the part of me that I still want.
I should be happy, and that is why I hate you. You are my strongest addiction.
When I lie in bed with you, we get intimate, and the rest of the world is calling me. I don’t want to go, but I know I cannot stay with you forever.
I have not wanted to have this conversation with you, but I am empty.
I have been on autopilot with my mascara on and my hair curled, wearing my big earrings that I use to distract others from asking the dreaded question: “You’re not suicidal, are you?”
Your friends are toxic, particularly anxiety. He is like an annoying little brother, always doing things to make me angry and telling me that I am not good enough.
He tells me that you are a bad influence, but in the same breath convinces me that I should never betray you.
And that got me thinking… Why am I so loyal to you? Why do I always give and you only take?
Then I realized it is not me, it is you. Honestly, it has always been you.
I guess I do not know how to say this, but I think we should break up. We are just not meant to be. We have nothing in common anymore and I think I have outgrown you. You are holding me back from my dreams, and you are never supportive unless it involves you.
Let’s not make a big deal about it. We had a good run, but it is time for me to move on.
Of course there will be times that I miss you and think about you, but it is time to go our separate ways.