I say this because a weak individual wouldn’t get up every morning even though they face living a nightmare everyday. You are beautiful. I say this because an ugly, trashy, unworthy woman wouldn’t go through what you go through, and continue to love. You are courageous and brave. You are loved and worthy. You are precious and admirable.
I say all of this because I know you don’t believe it. I say all of this because you are so much more than he has led you to believe. You see, I say all of this because I once felt the way that you do. I know what it feels like to have your identity completely stripped from you, because your heart was just too big, and you let it care for the wrong person. I know what it feels like, because I was you.
I know what it felt like when you first discovered the text messages that confirmed he was unfaithful to you despite his love bombing. It felt like the sharpest of knifes cutting through the very heart that beat for him. I know what it felt like when he lied to you over and over again even though you promised to not get mad when he finally told you the truth. I know what it felt like when he didn’t speak to you for days and allowed you to sit in your room alone with your tears.
You felt lonely, unloved, unappreciated and hopeless even though your friends and family wanted to be around you. I know what it felt like when he told you it wasn’t his fault and that you were the one that caused him to do the things that he did. I know what it felt like to cling on to any inch of hope you possibly could, even though you were on your toes and full of anxiety on a daily basis.
I know what it felt like when he refused to talk about any of your problems, so you were forced to talk to everyone else. I know what it felt like when he was furious at you for talking to his friends when you were nothing but concerned about him. I know what it felt like when he played with your hair and stared into your eyes with adoration and compassion. It felt like nothing could replace such a beautiful, loving, intimate moment between you.
I know what it felt like when he touched you. It was passionate, loving and full of adoration. You felt safe and secure in his arms and desired. I know what it felt like when he told you he was going to marry you and care for you for the rest of your life. You felt invincible; like nothing could touch you and that all was right in the world. I know what it felt like when he actively ignored you, even though you reached out and pleaded for him. It caused you to feel empty, ashamed and needy.
I know what it felt like to feel like nothing you could do was ever good enough for him and how it almost killed you. I know what it felt like to meet his family for the first time and know that you were instantly part of the family. I know what it felt like when he left you, again and again and again.
You felt like you couldn’t breathe; after all you were still coughing up water from the last time he let you drown. You couldn’t leave your bed, because the world was not worth walking if he wasn’t in it. You couldn’t eat, because every thought of him, every sight of him, made you want to throw up endlessly, until you threw up the very heart that fell for him. I know what it felt like when your friends told you that you couldn’t change him, your stomach dropped and shortly after your heart did too.
I know what it felt like when you questioned why his actions and his perfectly pronounced and placed words didn’t add up. You felt confused, overwhelmed, exhausted and ignorant. I know what it felt like to wonder how this happened to you, how something so perfectly beautiful turned into a hurricane of catastrophes. I know what it felt like when you hit rock bottom, and when you questioned everything. I know, because I was you.
Now hopefully, in due time, you will know what I know, because you will be me. I know that one day you will know that the world still rotates and the sun still shines even though those we love aren’t always who we thought they would be. I know that one day you will know that liars are liars, and that you cant change them, only they can change them.
I know that one day you will know that even though he may have an untarnished reputation, that it is only a matter of time before his true colors are discovered. I know that one day you will realize that its not your fault, because no one goes around breaking people the way he broke you. I know that one day the pain will dull and the tears will cease. I know that there is hope for a better life and relationship just waiting to blossom.
I know that one day someone will come along and love you unconditionally, the way they should. I know that your friends will continue to support you even on the days you do mess up and talk to him. I know that you will keep pushing forward, even when you cry yourself to sleep at night missing him. I know that one day you will gain a sense of self and find that you are too valuable and have too much to offer to stay in bed all day.
I know that one day you will wake up and refuse to feel the pain he causes you anymore. I know that one day you will finally accept that you were a victim of an ugly game with a manipulator who took you for granted. I know that one day you will rediscover your love for old passions that were lost in your deep sea of love. I know that one day you will look at this and not be bitter, angry or sad. I know that one day you will be able to forgive yourself for letting him destroy, belittle and control you.
I know that one day you will heal, and that one day your heart will be ready to love again. I know that one day you will stop trying to save him, defend him and honor him because he is toxic to your life. I know that one day you will walk away from him, for good, and you will become a survivor. Just like me.