He will beg you to fall in love with him. He’ll swear he’s been losing sleep and can’t imagine life without you. You will look into his eyes and see yourself, everything he doesn’t know about you yet. You will tell him you’re scared, you’ve been hurt, that you get insecure, that you get crazy, that you’re irrational. You will tell him you don’t know how to give nothing but everything. You will tell him you can’t trust your heart with him, even though you can’t imagine a day without him.
He will peruse you. Surprise you. Cry on your shoulder. You will start doubting your insecurities. You will find it hard not to take a risk. You will start making excuses for him. You will tell yourself that he’s a grown man and he wouldn’t want to be with you unless he really wanted to. You will tell yourself that he will stop his fuckboy ways. You will assure yourself that he won’t hurt you. You will ask yourself, would he beg me to be with me, if he wants to leave?
You will give in. you will let your emotions flood your heart, all the love that you’ve been hiding in your clouds of doubt. You will let them take over. You will fall apart in his arms. You will let him see you vulnerability, that he can put a knife through your heart and turn it around slowly as you smile. You will let him do things to your body that you have never let anyone do. You will wait for a whisper, “I love you” that will make you feel less like a whore.
He will ask you to go explore unknown territories with you. You will spend more time than you have with anyone. You will see him wanting to walk a step or two ahead of you. He will take longer showers. He’ll spend more time staring at his phone. You will start to wonder. You will ask him if everything is ok. And he will say yes with a painted smile. You will hope for a kiss and he will reach for a beer.
You will tell yourself you’re crazy. Remind yourself how he promised to love you, all of you. That he’ll remember to kiss your demons and hug your crazy. You will have your first big fight. He will tell you that he’s been missing his ex boyfriend. You will be speechless for a moment. You will ask him why did you want me? He will say he loves you. You will try to negotiate. He will call you crazy and you will believe him.
You will say you’ll spend the night at your place. He will say fine. You’d wonder if he’s up all night missing you while you can’t fall asleep. You will not hear from him all day. You will message him to say you miss him. He’ll say he does too but it’s hard. You will stare at the phone. You’d wish you had stayed away but now it’s too late. He’ll say he’s out having drinks. You’d ask if you could see him later. He’d say, yes.
You will walk back to his place with your head down. The air is thick. He’ll give you a hug but not a kiss on your forehead. You’ll pick on small things. Whose tshirt is on the floor? But you wouldn’t dare to ask. You just want him. You’d change your rules. He’ll open another beer and tell you, that he feels empty. And you will stare at his eyes. He’ll tell you he has a curious nature but a faithful heart. That he likes to look but he won’t touch. You’d ask him if you’re not enough. He’d tell you, if you love him you’d let him be himself and you will remind yourself how he wanted you. You will believe him.
You will stare at him. Hoping your tears are as stubborn as you. So many questions; you wanted this. You wanted this. You wanted this. You will repeat in your head looking at him. You fool, you will tell yourself. I can’t be without you, you will tell him softly.