1. Debilitating hangovers.
You are simply too old to be accepting fireball shots from strangers in the bathroom at 2 a.m., only to spend all of Sunday double fisting buttered bagels in your bed, a Gatorade iv your main life source.
2. Skipping meals.
Great way to avoid a debilitating hangover: EAT.
3. Crippling FOMO.
Hopefully, you’ve grown to understand that it’s OK to miss one night at the bar, since it’s literally the same thing every. Single. Week.
4. Living in a dorm room.
No one over the age of 18 should be subjected to dorm life. NO ONE. For starters, getting your own place is probably cheaper, and maintaining it might actually teach you some life skills!
5. Eating every meal in a dining hall.
It’s time you learn how to buy an egg, fry it, and clean the dish, too!
6. Getting so drunk that your friends have to take care of you.
Recently, your housemates threw a darty while you spent your Saturday working on your thesis. You came home to find several sophomores puking off your porch and onto your landlord’s lawn. All you could think about were the potential liability issues. You felt old.
7. Drunk eating for the social scene.
After three and half years of the same ritual, you are finally and completely over stuffing chocolate chip pancakes in your face at 2 a.m. just cuz all your friends were doing it.
8. Getting reprimanded for throwing a party.
Nothing quite as infantilizing as getting called into security to get scolded for serving one too many beers.
9. Signing in at the beginning of class.
You are not a middle schooler, and your professors are not middle school teachers. Which is why it’s confusing when they pass out sign-in sheets at the beginning of class. Isn’t the whole deal with college that you’re kind of on our own, and if you miss class, that’s on you?
10. POP. QUIZZES.
No no no no no no. Just no.
11. Packing up your books before the professor dismisses you.
LOL there is literally no sound quite so unpleasant as that of books getting shoved into backpacks before the professor indicates class is officially over. Take a fucking chill pill and learn some goddamn manners, people. If you’re let out a whole MINUTE late, this too shall pass.
12. Lying about why you missed class.
Just take your *one of two unexcused absences* and sit down, babe. No need to send your professor a 2,000 word dissertation on how you’ve come down with a “debilitating condition.”
13. Hooking up with someone purely due to their “popularity.”
Over the years, you’ve come to realize that “popularity” is relative and meaningless. You’re no longer apt to sleep with someone based on their social standing.