1. Belly issues. Are. Everything.
Kinda like how manbuns are everything, in that they’re relentless and make u want to die. Anyone with belly issues knows the struggle: every fart-less step could be your last.
2. When you’ve got a special event coming up, you’ve got to map out a careful diet for the days preceding it.
Not really because you don’t want to look fat at graduation. You’d just rather not fart the president of your school off the stage when s/he hands you your diploma.
3. You happen to know that the human body can actually withstand chronic constipation and chronic diarrhea all within a 24-hour window.
4. Speaking of constipation and d-ray, you’ve yet to resolve which is more torturous.
When you can’t poop, you’re twisted up in bloated pain. When you can poop a little too much, you’ve got walk around with a burning butthole (pardon my French) and live in fear that your head might fall out of your ass at any moment.
5. Also, “diarrhea” is a hard word to spell.
Most people don’t write/text/emergency Facebook message the word often enough to realize, but yeah, that “h” really sneaks up on u.
6. Your love affair with coffee is v toxic.
Every sip bubbles back up your esophagus with volcanic vengeance. But ain’t nobody got time for “tea.”
7. …And with Bloody Marys.
If “tomato juice mixed with potato-based rubbing alcohol” sounds like an ulcer waiting to happen, that’s cuz it is!
8. …And with chocolate.
Your stomach juices and snickers don’t mix, apparently.
9. Basically, everything delicious is your enemy.
Pasta gives you heartburn. Brie makes u wanna shit ur pants. You can’t win.
10. And in fact, the more something tends to unsettle your tummy, the more delicious you probably find it.
Srsly, a block of cheddar is soooo much tastier when u know it’s gonna give you explosive diarrhea. And sriracha? Far spicier when you can feel it burning a hole through a vital organ.
11. Meat sauce will forever be tainted by its all too familiar eau du indigestion.
If you don’t already know exactly what I mean, get a fat whiff of your next serving of spaghetti alla bolognese with this statement in mind.
12. …Which is really unfortunate, because indigestion is pretty much death.
Yes, heartburn is basically exactly what it sounds like. Ur innards en fuego.
13. And oh, what is that you say…heartburn only afflicts 60+ year old men? INCORRECT, MADAM!
Acidic foods (un)settle in your belly with the fury of a thousand Pompeiis.
14. Getting through a class/meeting without going to the bathroom is like, a big fucking deal.
You’ve got to assure your professors/colleagues that your habit of leaving the roundtable to make a trip to the loo every twenty minutes isn’t just a result of being bored as fuck.
15. Your medicine cabinet/nightstand/oversized purse teems with a cocktail of over-the-counter-and-prescription belly drugz.
Who can tell their Prevacids from their Prilosecs from their left asscheek, anyway? You can’t.
16. Oh, and Tums r addictive.
There’s simply something decadent about those chalky little shits.
17. If you’re not comfortable divulging your “issues” to a new special someone early on, it probably won’t last.
Praying for u. Especially if you’re a heterosexual woman—praying that you’re not pursuing one of those dumb fuckers who think girls release white, odorless pellets once a year instead of pooping. Cuz babe, you got a poopin’ problem. You got all the poopin’ problems.
18. Doctors are fucking useless.
You’ve spent at least a small handful of hours waiting in the emergency room—doubled over in pain with some belly ailment—only to have one of those useless SOBs ply you with some gross milky lava and tell you that you have a shit, acidy stomach and probably shouldn’t drink fourteen coffees a day. Thanks for the info.
19. You regularly drive yourself fully fucking crazy with the idea that PAIN IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
You’re prone to sit on the toilet and say (aloud—shared dorm bathrooms were never all that pleasant) to yourself “Bitch, get it together. You’re being crazy. Pain in your stomach? Psh. THAT’S CRAZY. I don’t see any cuts or bruises. Bitch you’re making this shit up.” (PSA: This ~mind over matter~ bullshit actually works. Been doing it since I was a kid. Lol.)
20. You’re the go-to authority on All Things Poop.
You know…a lot about your friends’ digestive anomalies. A lot.