1. We’re socially inept.
Romantic and professional relationships alike—we’re awful at courting them. “Networking” isn’t all that easy when you live in world where there’s an app for cuddling.
2. We have no clue how to write a letter.
Or an email, for that matter. For us, email is basically obsolete. All very unfortunate, because it (literally) pays to know how to craft a decent thank you note.
3. LOL “MAPS”??? WHAT R THOOOSE?
I dare you to ask us how to drive our own block without using Waze.
4. We legit do not know how to write a check.
Leh. Jitt. And no, guys, we can’t “just venmo” our landlord this month’s rent………
5. Also, reading. We don’t know how to do it.
And spellying? Wuts thet? Allsow if u thynck wee no houw too yuse a commah or da difrinse beetween “there” and “their” u r rong.
6. We can’t cook for shit.
We’d probably phase out kitchens if they didn’t enhance our Seamless experience.
7. Or build, like, anything.
Or change a lightbulb. Or send a package. Or tie our shoes.
8. We have. The. Shortest attention. Spa—
“Yes, boss, I can write that up for…….something smells like alcohol I wonder if my friends wanna drink tonight bye.”
9. We think in clouds, but we crave linearity.
Our iThoughts assemble in complex clouds…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The only downside is, we’re fixed on landing jobs right out of college that’ll launch us on a straight, direct path to our dream careers. Disappointment awaits.
10. And “steps,” you say? Instructions? Yeah, we can’t follow ‘em.
I challenge you to find someone born after 1990 who can confidently navigate an instruction manual of any kind without having an anxiety attack. If Siri can’t tell us how to do it—whatever “it” is—in literally ONE STEP OR LESS, chances are, we’re not even gonna try.
11. We were raised by helicopter parents.
Young adults today were born in an age of over-parenting, and as a result, we’re garbage at getting shit done for ourselves.
12. “Losing? Wtf is that?” —Anyone Born After 1990
Per that age of over-parenting, we’re used to getting a ribbon for showing up and a trophy for coming in last. Gonna be pretty awkward when we enter the workforce and realize that winning is hard, and losing is part of the process.
13. We’re unaware that, no, not everyone cares what we have to say.
Again, per that age of over-parenting, we’re intellectually entitled. We need to ~feel heard~ because we earnestly believe that each and every one of our precious little thoughts is brilliant and worth sharing.
14. And we’re terrible at accepting criticism.
We thirst for the constant accolades we received as children. We don’t know how to handle, “This is bad, and I have nothing positive to say about it.”
15. We’re socialized to champion Group Think.
With countless platforms for virtual Group Think at our disposal—Skype, GroupMe, Facebook, etc.—and a pervasive “TEAMWORK RULES!” ideology, we’re fearful, incompetent Independent Thinkers.
16. We’re unapologetically lazy.
Thank GOD for Postmates, the app that gets people to run your errands for you, while you fester on your couch, waiting for ice cream from the corner deli that costs more than the service.
17. Despite all our iTools, we’re trash at communicating.
If given the arduous task of maintaining a relationship when even technology doesn’t make constant communication easy, we’ll fail. Say we’re dating someone long distance, and our schedules are way out of sync; if we can’t text that someone all day long, we’ll panic and give up. Because, like, phone calls require waaaaay too much work.
18. We have no patience for old people.
Bitch, if you can’t text it, I……don’t care. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Nana.) Grim, if only because one day, we’re gonna be old (GASP!), and then karma’s gonna be the only bitch answering our iHolograms or whatever.