Mexico’s Most Notorious Drug Lord Live-Tweets SECOND Jailbreak. Donald Trump Gets Involved.

On Saturday night, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, Mexico’s most notorious drug cartel leader, escaped from maximum-security prison…again. The first time was back in ’01, when he bounced via laundry cart.

You’re scared, you’re curious, and you’re softly lolling…but, NO, y’all—this ain’t a joke, and it ain’t a movie. This is, in fact, El Chapo’s SECOND successful maximum-security jailbreak—this time, he fled via a mile-long tunnel excavated under his shower cell, where the billionaire was last seen entering to bathe around 9 p.m. on Saturday. Authorities have yet to figure out how the fuck the tunnel got there. According to NBC News, Mike Vigil, former chief of international relations for the DEA, finds El Chapo’s latest vanishing act “shocking.” “Shocking” indeed, Mr. Vigil.

Ok, ok, bare with me.

So, El Chapo—BILLIONAIRE leader of the Sinaloa Cartel—escapes from maximum-security prison for, not the first, but the SECOND time on Saturday, July 12, at approximately 9 p.m. A few days before said escape, on July 7, his son, Iván, relays this *ominous* message to the Twittersphere:

Translation: Good things come to those who wait. Uh-oh-spaghettio, Iván…r u psychic or somethin’… OK. So, Iván tweets, El Chapo escapes, and then…Donald Trump gets involved…? Ya. Hours after El Chapo’s (second) jailbreak, Republican Presidential candidate Sir. Donald J. Trump I decides to grab this v unique campaigning opportunity by the freakin’ cajones, tweeting:

…Wait for it…

Ohhh, Donald. Why, Donald? Why tweet about kicking one of the world’s most wanted (and richest) criminals’ ass in the wake of his SECOND jailbreak? You r so dumb, Don. As you can imagine, here’s where shit really heats up. Since his dad’s been locked up, Iván has been running El Chapo’s Twitter, which boasted a killer comeback tweet on escape day:

Translation: There’s no cage for this great chapo.

Given the self-referential content of the post-escape tweets, the Twittersphere has begun to suspect that El Chapo himself has been publishing some of these 140-characters-or-less of his own. Espeeecially when he reached out to @realDonaldTrump with the following caution:

Translation: Keep fucking around and I’m gonna make you swallow your bitch words you fucking whitey milkshitter @realDonaldTrump (milkshitter = homophobic slur that I shan’t break down for you any further). Then, for a quick change of tune, Don tweeted yesterday:

LOL. @realDonaldTrump has since contacted the FBI for protection in light of El Chapo’s *death threat*, information he released exclusively to TMZ (DOUBLE LOL).

In summary: Notorious billionaire drug lord El Chapo is on the run (towards Donald Trump); Trump has since requested protection from the FBI; El Chapo is live-tweeting his escape; El Chapo was last seen by twitter approx. 24 hours ago, when he tweeted:

Translation: Skill is better than strength and that has worked for me.

Recent tweets also include personalized message to Mexican president Enrique Nieto: 

Translation: And you @EPN don’t call me a delinquent again because I give your people work unlike your fucking current government.

…Along with some words of inspiration, including (but not limited to):

Translation: In this life, he who doesn’t take risks doesn’t win.

…and… 

Translation: Never say never, the world takes many turns.

Indeed, indeed. That’s all for now—see you on the internets, Señor Chapo…! TC mark

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