1. The Subway Farter
HAVE YOU NO MERCY? PLEASE, WHOEVER YOU ARE, TAKE PITY ON YOUR FELLOW COMMUTERS. THIS D-RAY—HEAT WAVE COMBO IS MAKING EVERYONE VERY, VERY SAD.
2. The Horny Couple
No, no, for real guys: everyone on this crosstown bus is DYING to watch you shove your tongues down each other’s throats for twenty minutes. RELAX.
3. The Mid-Breakup Couple
Surely evolved from the Horny Couple, the Mid-Breakup Couple wants everyone involved in their romance’s demise. I’m sorry ur relationship has gone to shit since 68th street, I really am, but honestly, guys…can this wait?
4. The Selfish Stripper
The Selfish Stripper has exclusive rights to the pole. Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t realize YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS TRAIN. Allow me to move my hand so your ass can straddle the metal. My bad.
5. The Respectful Pervert
Yes, dude, I would LOVE to see your dick this morning! Thanks for asking.
6. The Immobile Idiot
The Immobile Idiot refuses to MOVE THE HELL IN when the train gets stampeded by a huge crowd of passengers. Haha, no for real, dude…stay where you are. Just kindly allow me to RUN YOUR ASS OVER as I board this car. Ya girl’s got places to be.
7. The Plower
Haha OH I’M SORRY DO YOU WANT THAT SEAT, SIR? I wasn’t sure when you almost broke my fucking neck in your absurd attempt to snag it from that pregnant lady.
8. The Eye Contact Avoider
Close friend of The Plower, The Eye Contact Avoider refuses to look at anyone who might deserve her seat. Oh, you’re 101 years old? Lol, fuck you. Oh, you have two broken legs? Lolol, fuck you. OH, you’re a thousand months pregnant? LOL, FUCK YOU.
9. The Seat-Hogger
Oh word, dude, allow me to stand while your briefcase gets his own seat! He deserves it.
10. The Squeeze-‘N’-Grinder
The Squeeze-‘N’-Grinder bursts through the closing doors of a packed train in order to, effectively, grind on everyone in his path. The next train arrives in three fucking minutes dude…wait your turn AND BACK UP OFF ME.
11. The Nail-Clipper
YOU…LITERALLY…DISGUST ME. This is NOT a nail salon, dog, so PLEASE DO NOT TREAT IT AS SUCH. Like you’re actually foul.
12. The Pimple-Popper
Cousin of the Nail-Clipper, the Pimple-Popper just can’t wait to extract that blackhead, man! Like r u kidding…this city just isn’t safe anymore.
13. The Nose-Picker
Fraternal twin of the Pimple-Popper, the Nose-Picker has lost her damn mind.
14. The Ballsy Tourist
Mmm…just what I was craving: your balls/fanny pack in my face as you try to figure your shit out on the map behind me. It’s called HopStop, homie…LEARN ABOUT IT!
15. The Sneezer
Lol, I’m so sorry sir, do I have to send you back to kindergarten where they teach you to COVER YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE? Lolol, just checking.
16. The D.J.
The D.J. must be really desperate for everyone to hear the hot new track she’s listening to, or else she would be WEARING HEADPHONES LIKE THE REST OF US. Like, haha, no dude…I do not want your shitty mixtape to be the soundtrack of my commute. Sorry.
17. The Pop Star
Related to but distinct from The D.J., The Pop Star finds no shame in singing along to his tunes. Thank god you’re here, man…I was really hankering for a tone-deaf rendition of “We Belong Together.”
18. The Peaceful Parent
The Peaceful Parent makes you want to get your GD tubes tied! Your kid is about to give me an aneurism, dude. Discipline that little brat before someone else does.
19. The Backpacker
The Backpacker clearly isn’t from around here, because if she was, she’d know that ANYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNOWS TO REMOVE THEIR BACKPACK TO MAKE ROOM FOR THEIR FELLOW COMMUTERS. Haha. Just a suggestion.
20. The Eager Beaver
The Eager Beaver is among THE most obnoxious of subway riders, as your boy rushes onto the train before all of the passengers have exited. Wait your damn turn, dude. You’re slowing everybody down and looking like a gigantic asshole while you do it.
21. The Eater
Please, sir…the absolute last thing I want to see/SMELL at 8 a.m. this blisteringly hot morning is your plastic baggy full of rice and beans while I’m sweating motherfucking bullets.
22. The Wall Street Journaler
If you’ve just GOT to be *that douche* reading the WSJ so everyone can see, at least follow the proper paper-folding etiquette, idiot. Like, we get it dude, UR LITERATE! Congrats.
23. THE MTA EMPLOYEES RESPONSIBLE FOR AIR CONDITIONING NYC’S 1 TRAIN
HAHA, HOW DID YOU KNOW, GUYS? I WAS HOPING I’D BE ABLE TO DO SOME HOT YOGA ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK THIS 100 DEGREE AFTERNOON. THANKS FOR THE YEAST INFECTION.