1. The Gluten-Free Diet
You check your horoscope several times a day, deeply appreciate avocados, and have no idea WTF gluten is. Indeed, you believe in magic—particularly in the magic that eliminating this mystery protein from your diet will perform on your physique. Unless you have a bonafide gluten allergy or full-blown celiac disease, all you know about gluten is that it’s in everything you like. Your name is Tatiana, and you will not be gluten-free for long.
2. The Paleo Diet
Your Instagrams forcefully capture your very impressive #fitfam ways, marked almost exclusively by your #cleaneats and #crossfitlife. For you, paleo isn’t a diet—it’s a lifestyle.
3. The Mediterranean Diet
You’re very cultured. You can smell your Chiantis from your Riojas, as you’ve vacationed in Italy and Spain and everywhere above/below/in between. You hesitate to call your eating program a “diet;” you’re hardly restricting yourself with that delicious spread of fish, veggies, and red wine. Dahhhling, you simply know how to eat!
4. The Master Cleanse
You have a fabulous beach house in the Hamptons, which is probably where you store your size 24 skinny jeans from eighth grade “just in case.” In other words, you’re a consummate betch who’s so determined to lose five pounds (of muscle and water weight) that you’re willing to survive off of some obscure combination of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for UP TO 10 DAYS?!
5. The Weight Watchers Diet
You’re the Original Gangster of dieters, forever loyal to this tried and true program. You’re not a risk-taker, and you’re not an extremist—you do things responsibly and in moderation. You’re not down to binge or starve, which is why you’ve chosen a flexible diet that enforces a simple regimen: eat what you want, when you want, as long as you keep your meals balanced and don’t overindulge. Diet on, you healthy, professional specimen, you!
6. The Atkins Diet
You’re a serious, carb-counting maker of lists. You often dream of Snickers bars and ravioli.
7. The Raw Food Diet
You rocked Birkenstocks before they were trendy and once bunked with a man named Dusty while hiking the Appalachian Trail. Maybe you freelance or run a small, vegan boutique—whatever the case, you definitely don’t work a nine to five office job that would restrict the hours of blending, juicing, chopping, germinating, dehydrating, and rehydrating this diet requires.
8. The Werewolf Diet
U r a werewolf??? You’re a werewolf and I want to hang out with you because anyone who fasts according to the lunar calendar is super fucking weird and would definitely be a friend of mine. Hit me up at half-past twilight, dawg.
9. The Baby Food Diet
U r a baby??? I mean, you must be, because no self-respecting adult has the balls to bring 17 cans of puréed peas ‘n’ carrots to work and call it “lunch.”
10. The Zone Diet
Much like your celebrity diet inspiration, Jen Aniston, you have your shit together. Your diet reflects your diligent, professional athleticism—you supplement this protein-rich program with a zealous exercise regimen and plenty of green juices.
11. The Macrobiotic Diet
You practice bikram yoga and enjoy tempeh. You take a calm, meditative approach to life, and you have several Buddha statutes of varying sizes in your home. You prepare your meals with peace, love, and an open mind.
12. The Cookie Diet
You were very confused and a little drunk when you elected to do this diet, as you didn’t realize your new eating program would not, in fact, allow you to eat Oreos all day; this shit requires you to subsist mainly off of several hundred calories of high-protein, high-fiber weight-loss “treats” that, I’m sure, taste more like grass than they do chocolate.