1. That it’s physically possible to walk that slow.
Honestly, dude…how? I crawled faster than you during infancy. Literally.
2. That it’s physically impossible to walk that far.
Wtf do you mean “we have to drive there?” It’s a mile away, dog…that’s 20 blocks. Get your shit together…we can definitely walk.
3. That you “need” a driver’s license at all.
Sounds like a lot of hours wasted at the most hated place on earth (the DMV, right…?? idk idk, never been) for a piece of plastic I’ll never use. And what’s with this whole “driving equals independence” thing? I’m pretty sure the 6 gave me that when I was 10…
4. …Or a designated driver.
Just, like, take a cab? Lol?
5. That you’re able to live without a Duane Reade/CVS on every corner.
Wait…what? You’ve never heard of Duane Reade? Where the shit do you get tampons? Razors?? Deodorant??? Shampoo???? Medicine????! DO OTHER PHARMACIES EVEN EXIST?!
6. That you have no idea what a bodega is.
Just do me a favor and tell Taylor Swift to STFU when she tries to break it down for you.
7. That you can fall asleep with the terrifying sound of all that silence.
I can’t hear the sweet screams of rival taxi drivers cursing each other’s families at 4 a.m.? Oh, good. Then I guess no one will hear me WHEN I GET VIOLENTLY MURDERED IN THIS “PEACEFUL” SUBURB TONIGHT.
8. That you’ve never been to a bar/bat mitzvah celebration.
Like…never? Not one? Are you sure…? Sorry for the confusion, I just literally don’t understand what you had to look forward to as 13-year-old if not a calendar full of Sarahs’ and Davids’ coming-of-age bangers.
9. That Crocs were ever a thing.
I don’t know, man. I just don’t know. That trend never hit these stiletto’d streets.
10. That you think Gossip Girl is representative of every NYC high schooler.
I don’t think Gator Boys is representative of every Floridian adult, now do I? Dumbass.
11. Blue laws.
Or any other state regulations that inspire stores to close on Sundays. No comprendo…didn’t god turn water into wine so we could drink (and drunk shop) on our day of rest?
12. That you can stand to be so deprived of late night food.
How??? How do you starve yourself of Ray’s Pizza/Insomnia/French Roast/Papaya King after a long night of drinking??! Like actually. I’m confused…
13. That it’s even a little bit hard for teenagers to get away with lying to their parents about where they’re going.
Just tell them you’re sleeping at a friend’s house and then…don’t? It’s not like they have to drive you to the *secret* locale or anything…OH WAIT.
14. …Or that you managed to survive high school without a fake ID.
Did you just like…not drink or something? It’s cool if you didn’t, but I’m just a little confused how you got by otherwise.
15. That riding the Subway is, apparently, so goddamn difficult.
C’mon, dude…download HopStop and quit being such a baby.
16. That you can actually find a place to get a manicure.
Step outside the city, and all of the sudden there’s, like…virtually nowhere to get your nails (or bikini wax!!!) done. Please explain.
17. That you’re at all fascinated by Times Square.
I don’t get it. Please explain the allure of overpriced, tacky stores and particularly overcrowded, littered streets…we have *bright lights* all over the city, you know.
18. The South.
Lol kidding…but not really???
19. That you would dream of living anywhere else.