1. You’ll do anything… but only for the attention, of course.
2. You’ve locked yourself in a dressing room… more than once.
3. The boat you were educated on sank. Literally.
4. You have a critical gay following.
5. You set aside at least an hour each day to stare at yourself in the mirror. Usually while crying. You’re a beautiful crier.
6. …You’ve broken the mirror on several occasions because some blonde bitch had been staring at you for an hour.
7. Your children will never know you’re not a natural blonde. No one will. NO ONE.
8. The longest and most important romantic relationship you’ve had is with your vibrator, Doug.
9. You have a slight but rather conspicuous English inflection in your voice. You’re from Tampa.
10. You carry a microphone with you at all times, just in case.
11. You frequently burst into the room demanding that everyone shout out phrases that describe your beauty.
12. Everyone is out to get you. You sleep with several knives under your sex hammock.
13. You often daydream about your BDSM wedding at work, and you’re confused why your friends… don’t.
14. You’ve yelled at your 5-year-old niece for making you look fat you in her kindergarten artwork.
15. Your real age could be anywhere between 18 and 81. You’ve never given the same answer twice.
16. You’ve always been the sluttiest, and you want everyone to know it. In fact, “slut” is your favorite self-descriptor.
17. …Immediately followed by “that thin bitch.”
18. You threaten to kill yourself at least 10 times a day.
19. You totaled 20 hours at your therapist’s office last week detailing why you were forced to sabotage your nephew when he tried to sing at your family’s Christmas party.
20. You have a very erratic relationship with your mother. When she’s around, the conversation goes from sweet (thanking her for the feather earrings she just gave you, despite their being riddled with pigeon mites) to sour (accusing her of trying to run you over with a jet ski) in no time.
21. You have perfect pitch.
22. You’ve had an on-again-off-again affair with Portia de Rossi for quite some time.
23. You’ve tried to coax Mickey Rourke and Lance Bass into a threesome on several occasions.
24. You experiment with Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills regularly.
25. You’ve been known to text your friends with a warning that you’ll have to eat their umbilical cord. For sex reasons.
26. You get very emotional at funerals… because someone else is getting so much more fucking attention than you.
27. You and your sex partner “mirror” for hours until achieving touchless orgasm.
28. You’re the most hilarious, outrageous, tragically talented bitch you know. And everyone—I mean EVERYONE—wants to be you.