1. You’ve started ordering her wine. No, no... anything but the Chardonnay. Too oaky.
2. Despite your critical lack of child-rearing experience, you’re quick to judge strangers’ parenting skills.
3. You have a very particular method of housekeeping. If things aren’t cleaned and organized exactly to your liking, you’ll freak; you prefer no help to subpar help.
4. You collect seemingly unexceptional shit to remember seemingly unexceptional moments by. That one paper menu from that one café you went that one time on that one vacation? Yep, that’s definitely a keeper.
5. On that note, though, clutter has become your mortal enemy—you’re constantly “editing” your drawers, shelves, and closets to eliminate needless mess.
6. You mercilessly Facebook stalk your long-distance best friends only to insist that every guy they’re pictured with is “cute” and “definitely likes” them, even after they contend that, “No, dude, he’s barely 5 feet tall and 110% gay.”
7. You call your friends at odd hours to ask them a series of questions you already know the answer to. When they try to get you off the phone, you quickly develop a follow-up series to keep them on the line as long as possible.
8. If your friend picks an argument in public, you quickly shoot her a creepy, thorny, all-too-familiar smile. “We’ll discuss this later, alright, Rachel?”
9. You often test your friends to make sure they’re listening to you and not just blankly nodding as you kvetch about your day. “Repeat what I just said, Rachel. REPEAT IT, RACHEL.”
10. When you’re overheated, there’s literally nothing more disturbing than seeing someone in a sweater. If you know the person, you’ll desperately ask them to remove it: “I’m begging you, Rachel. You’re making me hot.”
11. It’s become impossible to argue with your mother, because arguing with her is like arguing with yourself. She’s a worthy opponent, to be sure, but your battles go nowhere.
12. …Probably because arguing with her enters you into the Passive Aggressive Olympics. “…What’s wrong?” “Oh…NOTHING. Why?” “OH………NO REASON.”
13. And because you’re a gold-medalist, your friends know that when you ask, “…Is that what you’re wearing?” you mean they look incredibly ratchet and should change immediately.
14. You’re deep in the plastic grocery bag collecting game.
15. Before your best friend proceeds to tell you more about the hot new guy she’s seeing, you interrupt her to ask, “Okay, but… is there any history of mental illness in his family? What about addiction? Heart disease?” These are the real questions.
16. You’re overly concerned that your grown-ass friends aren’t well-fed/eating balanced meals, and you happily take it upon yourself to act as their part-time nutritionist.
17. Also, you’re genuinely troubled by the snack your friend is about to eat—dinner is in an hour… they’d better not “spoil” it.
18. Everything makes you “nervous”—the subway performer doing backflips through the car, the sight of a couple standing dangerously close to the curb, the too-flowery scent of that cheap perfume… everything.
19. You update the group text regularly with warnings about the weather, as if everyone doesn’t have an app for that. “It looks like it’s going to rain today, so make sure you bring an umbrella to work. Stay dry, bitches!”
20. Every time a moving vehicle comes within five feet of a loved one, you instinctually throw yourself in front of them. Wouldn’t want that Smart Car coming around the bend at 10 miles an hour to put them in the hospital.
21. You’re known to gift sampler Ziplock bags of those multivitamins you insist your friends start taking because you’re convinced they’re lying when they assure you they bought her own bottles.
22. You’re addicted to taking pictures. ADDICTED. Like, way more addicted than the average Millennial. And these aren’t pictures for Instagram… they’re for you.
23. So when your whiny, ungrateful friends ask, “Dude, seriously, where do these pictures even go?” you tell them not to worry their pretty little heads. They’ll thank you later for your obsessive documentation. They’ll thank you later for everything.