1. Unlike most homosapiens, New Yorkers are not inquisitive beings. No, scratch that. New Yorkers are most inquisitive beings at social gatherings. In public spaces, however, they would much rather keep to themselves, and they would rather that you keep to yourself too. Keep break-ups and feuds and X’s break up with Y out of your designated subway car. Do not speak on the train unless absolutely necessary, and keep the pitch and register of your voice low.
2. If the subway car is empty, do not board that subway car; it is empty for a reason. Do not ask around others whether you can board it. Do not ask the conductor. Do not board it.
3. It is bad policy to feel up a fellow commuter under the guise of rush hour.
4. If you are new to the New York subway system, do all mapping and figure out the logistics of your trip before leaving your house/sublet/closet. Plan for worst case scenarios. New Yorkers admire those who know their shit. They are annoyed by those who do not know their shit. Ask anyone for help but do not expect them to map out your route for you.
5. However, do not ask for help from anyone who resembles Patrick Bateman or is frothing at the mouth.
6. If you must absolutely urinate, please do it above ground at your nearest Starbucks or on the side of a tree or a fire-hydrant. Remember that the tracks are charged with electricity and if you decide to take a leak on the tracks, it is likely that you will be electrocuted by your own urine.
7. If you are a man, do not make eye contact with a patron of the opposite sex unless you are asking for trouble. If you are a woman, do not make eye contact with a patron of the opposite sex unless you are asking for trouble.
8. If you dropped your phone into the track, I’ll loan you the money for a new one.
9. Do not make conversation with a fellow commuter, unless you want to be institutionalized. However, if a fellow commuter is a child accompanied by a guardian, you make speak to them but keep topics light and limited. Do not start a conversation with a child unless you want to be imprisoned.
10. Should the train be packed, please take your backpack off and place it on the ground between your feet (or clench it tightly between your ankles if you are a germaphobe). Your backpack should not occupy the space of a person.
11. Do not burst into song while riding the subway. Direct your burgeoning talent(s) toward Kickstarter, not at dreading commuters.
12. Please move to the center of the train during busy hours. Ill-tempered New Yorkers, of whom there are plenty, will not hesitate to jostle, shove, smack and curse you into making more space.
13. In light of this, do not lean on the pole if you do not care to be jostled, shoved, smacked and cursed at. It is selfish to occupy a pole for yourself, but more importantly, you are leaning on a pole. Do not be the person inane enough to think leaning on a pole will provide sufficient support and stability.
14. Refrain from passive-aggressively complaining about commuters inconveniencing you during your commute. In New York, we fight for what we what, be it space for holding on to the pole. We do not pussy-foot about.
15. Do give up your seat for pregnant women, the elderly and those with very young children. Do not give up your seat for a woman who is struggling to stand in her staggering heels. She must suffer the fate of her poor decisions.
16. Stand clear of the closing doors, idiot.
17. Peering down the cavernous tracks will not cause the train to come any faster; death, however, may come sooner than expected.
18. Contemplate your body odor and bowel movements before boarding a train. No one should suffer for your choice to forgo deodorant or to eat spicy street-meat.
19. While good hygiene is always encouraged, do not clip your fingernails or toenails on the subway.
20. Crying on the subway is a myth. You are not a myth. You are not an an episode of GIRLS. Do not cry on the subway.