BREAKING NEWS: Cell Phones Can Make Calls

Washington, D.C. – The nation’s top tech researchers revealed this morning that cell phones also have a state-of-the-art calling feature, enabling users to cut their texting tête-à-tête nearly in half. Reports leaked from Washington say that in the two hours following the newsbreak, Americans’ efficiency has increased by 150%.

Put down the phone. Take a breath. Resume proper cellular device hand positioning and…call the individual you are about to engage in a three-hour-long text conversation with. Some argue against this concept: it is so old fashioned, I seem desperate, I am too important/busy/vocally-challenged to partake in such frivolous activities. Since when did the art of voice-to-voice communication become nearly obsolete? Is it wrong that I actually miss the days of dialing my best friend’s number by heart (and getting harassed by her mom as to my day’s activities, being put “on hold” while I can hear her yell upstairs to pick up the phone, and having our super important conversation interrupted by a sibling picking up the other receiver to declare it’s time to hang up)?

Don’t get me wrong, sexting texting is great. It’s fast, succinct (usually), and can make even the biggest idiot look like a witty, socially acceptable human. However, what is the precious price we are paying to condone texting as the preferred means of communication? A would-be emotional connection—an embarrassing story at work, the exciting news you just received, that thing you’re fuming about and need to let out—is reserved to a tiny digital box. The reply you receive will elicit some sort of response, but how much better would that moment have been shared, like, in an actual conversation. Wait, with like real laugher? LOL.

Technology’s immediacy has obviously revolutionized communication; it has also desensitized us as a society to the value of actual spoken conversation. Surprisingly being asked about how my day was via text and typing a reply into my phone just isn’t as sincere or fulfilling as an actual phone call. Sometimes I forget who I’m even talking to because there are so many text conversations going on. Pardon, who are you Mr. Potential Date Who Likes to Text Every Other Day & Act As If We Actually Know One Another? Sorry, I confused you with that girl I met at that thing last weekend. I think we’re soon-to-be biffles; you know, if I ever remember what she sounds/looks like. But then again, where’s the fun in that?

Texting is fun. I can lie in bed checking emails and engaging in half-assed texting simultaneously for at least thirty minutes before growing bored. Actually this happens almost nightly. Nothing memorable is nearly ever gained from such activity. But you know what I do remember? Long, funny phone calls with my high school sweetheart, and him telling me on a (semi) regular basis that I fell asleep on him again and he finally gave up after repeating my name and listening to me breathe ever-so-angelically into the phone for five minutes. Awkward pauses, authentic excitement during a story rehash, and raw reactions included. You grow to know a person far better when engaging in non-text conversation, not to mention it takes actual effort and concentration to make and take a call. Is anyone else sick of half-assed conversation? Just CALL ME. I could be getting robbed or killed during our twenty-minute text responses and YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW. How would that make you feel? “Yeahh, so Kevin got hit by a car leaving Rite-Aid. I feel so bad for bitching him out for ignoring my texts all day.” Based on a true story

If we were an honest society, Carly Rae would be crooning a far different tune.

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy
Here’s my number, so call me maybe text me sporadically for a few days until we both get bored or you finally ask me out.