Beware the Plastics.
Thirteen years after Janice Ian gave us that advice when Mean Girls first hit cinemas (don’t even talk to me, I still sometimes genuinely tell people it’s 2012) and four years after Tina Fey confirmed that the most quoted movie of our generation is being adapted into a Broadway musical, it’s finally here. So Fetch.
Before moving their army pants and flip flops to Broadway in March, the plastics are set to start their run at the National Theatre in Washington D.C. from October 31 to December 3. Ten points to anyone who goes to the opening in Cady Heron’s ex-wife Halloween costume.
In 2013, composer Jeff Richmond confirmed that “fetch” had already been worked out as a musical number — that’s why Gretchen’s hair is so big, it’s full of high notes. And in the years I’ve spent waiting, I have come up with a dream score of eight songs that absolutely have to be in the show.
So get in loser, we’re going shopping for showstoppers:
1. Too Gay to Function
Because we know it’s only okay when Janice says it, or when it’s being belted with some pop-rock orchestrations.
2. The Limit Does Not Exist
Cady’s big matheletes moment totally needs a show-stopping number, and Kevin G will definitely have a featured rap solo.
3. On Wednesdays We Wear Pink
Getting invited to sit with the Plastics is a big deal. Their rules are hard and fast, and hard to follow — imagine it in three part harmony.
4. Get in Loser, We’re Going Shopping
Regina George’s break out pop number, and if she doesn’t get a standing ovation, you can walk home, bitches.
5. You will get Pregnant, and Die
A somber, sentimental ballad where Coach Carr warns against the consequences of unprotected sex before going to make out with Trang Peck in the projection room above the auditorium.
6. She Doesn’t Even Go Here
I want to give Damien all of the solos, but Gretchen will definitely make an appearance because she can’t help it that she’s popular.
7. If You’re From Africa, Why Are You White?
Oh my god, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white, but you can totally sing about it.
8. Hell No, I Did Not Leave the South Side for This
This is the dance number. Imagine a high school of jazz dancing, acrobatic teens as the background to Principle Duvall’s contemporary lyrical crusade against the Burn Book.
With a score like this, the Tony Awards are going to go a little something like, “four for you Jeff Richmond, you go Jeff Richmond, and none for SpongeBob the Musical, bye.”