I am scared I’ll never have a happy relationship. It’s not because I’m negative. It’s not because I don’t think I deserve love. Because, honestly, I think I do. I know I can give a lot of love to people; I’m affectionate, and intelligent, and motivating, and kind, and the list could go on, but at the risk of being conceited, I’ll stop it there. The point is, I know I’m a good person, and I know that being a good person should be rewarded. And – I’ve loved before, so, I know that I’m capable of the feeling that feeling, of wanting to be with someone, and show them how important they are to you.
But there is more to love than deserving it.
My family has never been stable. I have been through three divorces, and even though I try not to let that sour my view of everlasting love, it’s difficult. Add that to a heartbreak from someone I trusted with my entire life (yes, yes, I know – naïve) and it’s been one blow after another in my world of love.
I know the odds, I know the whole soulmate theory, but honestly, isn’t it a little hard not to doubt every now and again, believe that you’ll be the one person that really is going to be lost in this world, hopping from heartbreak to heartbreak?
I’m sure that I’m not the only person who’s felt this way, nor will I be the last. And my only consolation is that people who feel this way do find love, do find their special person and wonder why they ever worried. So – all anyone can do is hope, I guess. And stick around for that person who will prove us wrong. And I hope I find that person. I hope that everyone, whose belief in love wavers, gets proven wrong.
Because we all deserve love. Love that makes us wonder why we were ever worried, or ever sad that someone else didn’t work out.
So, no, when I say I don’t think I’ll ever find a happy relationship, it isn’t from lack of thinking that I am worthy. It’s simply that I don’t want to become another divorce statistic, another piece of the pattern that has followed me. So, I won’t let my worries, although ever present, swallow me whole, keep me from falling in love. I won’t let my fears or the things about me that are less than ideal define me.
I will hold the pen to my own life, and I urge everyone scared of their futures to do the same.