1. It’s so exhausting loving someone when they don’t love you back.
I mean, this one is fairly obvious, right? Always having the urge to text him good news, bad news, no news- while he probably doesn’t even think of me. Even when he used to think of me, out of pity I presume, those little “how are you doing?” texts made my stomach do somersaults while he probably breathed a sigh of relief when after two texts you said you had to go. Loving someone so fully and unconditionally doesn’t go away after they say it’s over. But really, it comes to a point where you have to look at yourself and say: “Do I really want to be pining over someone who took two days to decide I wasn’t worth fighting for?” (And, yes, that happened to me.) Anyway, the answer to that question is; No. You don’t. (Even though it may feel like you do.)
2. Blocking out a year and a half of my life is impossible.
You know the saying, right? Block, defriend, delete, throw away. Get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. I may have taken that rule a little too far. Any document on my computer from the year 2014-2015? Trashed. That’s some good poems and writing pieces gone, might I add. Instead of deleting the pictures from my Facebook and having to see his face, I deactivated my Facebook account completely and started a totally new one, so no matter how far I look back, there is literally no evidence whatsoever he loved me. Same with my Instagram account. Deleted. No more “go back 57 weeks and see us again” going on. But the thing is, I can’t do that in my mind. I still know that he hates mayo, and that he sings in the shower, and a million other mundane aspects of his life that any little thing from the outside world can trigger. But I can’t throw out showers, or every jar of mayo, or Twizzlers (his mom’s favorite candy). I can’t go around the world purging it of every single thing that reminds me of him. The faster I get over him, the faster I can stop being the weird girl who starts crying when someone mentions mozzarella cheese (and a million other things).
3. Love is not meant to be this way.
I am a firm believer that love involves choosing your partner every day. No matter what life hurls at you, you fight for the people you love always, and you don’t just run away. I am beginning to realize that I can find someone that values this motto as much as I do. I don’t know when, it might take years or decades. But the truth is, someone out there is going to fight for me. And yes, girl (or guy) reading this crying into a pint of ice- cream screaming to the celling “WHY?!! WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH??!?!”, someday someone will love you enough to not leave you standing in your basement wondering what the hell just happened. The sooner we move on, the sooner we can find the love that we deserve to have.
4. I don’t want to be bitter.
It’s prom season, people. My ex dumped me 2 months before PROM. I bought him a tuxedo and told him he could only wear it if he took me to prom, but he dumped me. He’s probably still going to wear it. *Clenches teeth in pure rage.* Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Since it’s prom season, you can imagine me, recently dumped, sitting ￼around all these elaborately planned “prom-posals.” Watching girls compare dresses talking about how their boyfriend is wearing “the cutest matching tie.” I am sick of being that terrible person that wishes that someone else would get dumped right around prom season so I could see how they felt when their plans fell though. Those high school couples that sit and sigh happily with their hands intertwined makes me stomach turn. And why does it do that? Love is beautiful. Love is magical and wonderful and should not make anyone with a soul experience stomach turning emotions of any kind. The sooner I move on, the sooner I can start looking at those couples with hope rather than hate, just as I used to.
5. I want to be happy.
When I got into this (ex) relationship, I felt ecstatic. It was all the hallmarks of a new relationship and more, it seemed. It was the typical high schooler’s love that everyone scoffs at and says will not last, but when it happens to you, you know it will last. The world was brighter, the people were nicer, everything just fell right into place. I wrote a million poems and looked for apartments and made a playlist of songs that reminded me of “us”. I felt fulfilled. It felt like I had never experienced happiness before we finally started our relationship. But the truth is, I had experienced happiness many times before I met him, and before I dated him. I experienced happiness before I started looking for apartments, and before I started going to dinner dates on the weekends. And so it only naturally follows that I will continue to experience happiness even after this relationship has ended. I am still acing all my classes. I am still smiling and laughing. It is forced sometimes- no, most of the time- but it will not always be this way. I still write. I still sing at the top of my lungs. There are things I have not let him steal from me. There are happy moments I will not let him leave with. The sooner I move on, the sooner I can begin to get to my happy place, the place that, yes, did exist before I met him. Before I loved him. And before he decided he didn’t love me anymore. Even though sometimes my body refuses to stop being on autopilot, my life is happening without him in it. I am creating new memories without him.
6. He’s not the most perfect guy to ever walk the earth. (Even though it seems like he is.)
I’ve realized there are things I really didn’t like about the relationship and how I was treated. I wasn’t put first nearly as much as I wanted to be. I was an afterthought a lot of the time towards the end of the relationship. He would tell me things would change about him or us that I knew wouldn’t, like the fact that he wanted to spend less time with me than I did with him. It’s okay to have “high standards.” It’s okay to not settle. We will all eventually meet a person that loves us as much as we love them and will want to show it, and be okay with us loving them fearlessly and a lot and all the time. Does that mean I don’t miss him? No. Does that mean I’m not still getting over anger of how he decided to leave without any notice? No. Does that mean I understand there are better people for me out in the world? YES.
People, the sooner we let our exes go, the sooner we move on, the sooner we can be ourselves again.
Because you did not magically appear when you met your ex. You were a living, breathing entity with feelings and passions and interests and fears and so many other wonderful, beautiful, things. Embrace yourself. Love yourself. Live for your own damn self.