What 9 Popular Retail Stores Would Be Like, If They Were People

1. Anthropologie

The white, youthful aunt who generally means well but sometimes says some vaguely racist stuff. When she goes out to eat, she likes to have lengthy conversations about the ingredients. She considers days that don’t end with at least several glasses of wine to be a waste. Adoring and generous, she smiles a lot but can be pretty spacey.

2. J. Crew

Ah, the Crew, as he likes to refer to himself. Where to begin? J. Crew doesn’t hesitate to let you know that their dad owns a boat and that his $120 sweats are for lounging around the house. He asks you where you’ve traveled specifically so he can tell you about where he’s been. J. Crew imagines himself as the Jim Halpert of his life, but other people would more readily describe him as the temp, Ryan Howard.

3. Urban Outfitters

We all know who she is. Jean shorts, bindis, and band tank tops, she’s really into crystals and shit. She likes to pretend that she’s “broke” but invariably spends $65 on a cotton t-shirt. Enjoys vodka cranberries and camping.

4. Forever 21

A 12-year-old with a lot of free time. A bit of an outcast in their middle school peer group, they compensate by being insufferably loud. This will eventually lead them to star in musicals in high school.

5. Barnes & Noble

The last major brick and mortar bookstore in the United States isn’t necessarily one person but a collection of people that sort of blur together into a single entity. Barnes & Noble is your family back home who reminds you of their good old days, asks you weird questions about your life, and the whole thing is punctuated by your baby cousin talking about weird apps that you can’t believe exist. They love you but they can’t help but notice you don’t come around for too many holidays anymore.

6. Brookstone

The uncle who comes over randomly in the afternoon, bluetoothed the fuck up and talking about something he read in Wired. He gets excited about the latest and greatest even though he won’t be readily able to tell you exactly how a solar powered potato peeler is going to change his life since he’s allergic. Doesn’t matter, though! He can give you the exact tech specs on something that you and most people will probably never use.

7. Victoria’s Secret

She’s the peppy popular girl in high school who’s actually kind of shitty but wildly nice about it. She’ll gladly give you all of her beauty tips but won’t realize that you two have totally different hair and body types.

8. REI

The guy at the party that you’ve seen at other parties a few times but have never actually talked to. When you finally do he smells like a mixture of weed and lemon juice, and will be really excited for whatever subject in which you got a BA. Pretty upbeat but will ask you weird questions about your job like, “Doesn’t it feel weird that you’re working to make someone else rich?”

9. Nordstrom

Essentially your average fraternity/sorority type. Obsessed with image even though most of their look is pretty mundane. They’ll buy rounds at the bar because they can and won’t hesitate to let you know that they can’t wait to be “out of here” at some distant time in the future.