Cheaters are the worst? Says who? Haters, probably. If you’re thinking of cheating but aren’t too sure if you should take the proverbial plunge (wink, wink) then here are a few things that might push you in the right direction. The direction of a winner. A pussy maverick, if you will.
1. Why not?
If you’re actually thinking of cheating on your girlfriend then your moral compass probably needs some work anyway, so who cares? She’ll figure out you’re a worthless piece of shit anyway so you might as well jump on anything that comes your way, right?
2. Better company!
Clearly you enjoy spending your nights with mistresses and your inner demons while destroying the trust of those who love you. Those inner demons know how to party and your side piece always has the charming habit of not being anywhere near as emotionally fulfilling as your girlfriend.
3. You’ll meditate way more.
Talk about zen! After cheating on your girlfriend with some random who doesn’t know the intimate details of your life like your girlfriend — who still somehow loves you anyway? — you’ll start wondering what you’re doing with yourself. This is a great opportunity to ruminate on how insecure you are and how you can be really toxic to have around because you’re too into self-pity to not be a dipshit. Or maybe you’re actually too much of an asshole to understand that you’ve done something wrong in which case these moments will be replaced by a calm ringing in your ears.
4. Your relationship will improve.
You’ll be so consumed with guilt — or the desire to minimize suspicion — that you’ll actually start, like, paying attention to her or whatever. Her eyes are that shade of brown? Whoa! And has she always made her PB&J sandwiches that way? Haha, what a loveable nut. Careful, though, or you might start to appreciate that you’re with a great woman, the likes of which you’ll probably never have a chance with again if you fuck it up. Kind of… like you’re already doing? Nice!
5. Make her cry!
The most exciting part of cheating on your girlfriend is when she inevitably finds out somehow. She’ll cry! She’ll be angry! Largely because you’re an idiot, this will be one of the moments you realize she actually cared about you. So rewarding.
You’ll get to share your inner turmoil with her. And by share I mean inflict. Her emotional roller coaster you can only guess at. Angry with you, herself, filled to the brim with insecurity. The betrayal. Sounds like a hit movie! Time it around the end of May for the full summer blockbuster effect.
7. Sweet freedom.
Eventually, thanks to her friends and possibly a kind and supportive sister, she’ll dump your ass and, boy, is that great. No more sneaking around the woman who did everything for you. You’ll be able to go out whenever want, however long you want without reporting to anyone who might be concerned you’re destroying their trust. Oh, the joy. Not to mention all the women you can now freely fuck. Not that that was ever a problem for you, eh, killer? Ahh, go get ‘em, pal. Slay, as they say.
8. An excuse to get hammered.
Eventually your conscience will catch up with you, so you’ll try to drown it out with whiskey, tequila, or whatever your thing is. You’ll jump at any reason to get absolutely black out drunk. And that’s always a good thing. A few times per week you’ll find yourself waking up in the morning with no recollection of the prior night’s events. Thank god you’ll have drunkenly tweeted the whole thing so you can retrace your steps.
9. Health benefits.
Crying is actually really good for you! I read that somewhere once that one time. Ya know, in the thing. Anyway, crying gets rid of certain toxins and decreases stress and maybe releases dopamine. I’m not a scientist. But it feels great, which is great! Because you’ll be doing a lot of it once you realize how much of a colossal idiot you’ve been. Plus, sobbing is a really great ab workout. The hot summer bod you’ve always wanted is right around the corner.
10. You’ll finally make her happy.
Or rather, she’ll be free to find happiness with someone who will actually appreciate her. The lessons you accidentally taught her about not compromising and valuing herself are priceless. The smiling photos of her with a new guy who actually looks at her like her eyes are made of starlight or something will fill you to the brim with jealo — I mean joy! Joy.
So, get out there, buddy. Makes some mistakes worth making. Do your girl a favor.