Breakups are awful events for most people and have been since time immemorial. It’s about time we make them a little fun. Ya know, if you’re into being an emotional terrorist.
1. Dinner with their family. You get a free meal and the cushion of familial awkwardness to soften the blow. And if they do explode about it? Man, what a show. Do it in a private whisper as everyone’s grabbing seconds, and watch your now ex lose their cool in front of mom and dad. Bonus points if it’s a holiday.
2. Midway through a popular movie. I mean a really popular one. Like the new Avengers or something. That way every time they see it or an ad for it, they’ll have a small flash of PTSD. Lovely.
3. Right before you get on a rollercoaster. You’ve been waiting in line at 6 Flags for like half an hour and you’re both really excited to get on. Then, right after they’ve strapped you in and you’ve started moving, say, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” What a ride!
4. Right before they board a long flight. LA to New York? What better way to have them reflect in relative isolation than on a plane filled with strangers and no internet access for 5-6 hours? (Do people really buy the wifi on those?) It’s also a two for one: you get to make them miserable AND ruin a trip. You know how to stretch a misery.
5. Make a YouTube video and post it on your Facebook. Need I go on? The public shame of it coupled with your unabashed straight face — for ALL to see! For maximum impact, do it while they’re at work or otherwise unlikely to check the internet. That way they’ll get off work to about 50 texts from a wide range of facebook friends saying, “wtf?” and have no idea what they’re talking about. Talk about a case of the Mondays. (I’m so sorry.)
6. On stage. This is great if you’re in a band. The middle of your set, bring them on stage. Introduce them. Get everyone cheering. Then say, “Unfortunately, I don’t love them anymore. We’re breaking up,” and cut right into your next upbeat song. Rock and roll, right? Rock and roll. (You might actually get a rock through your window with this one.)
7. Airplane banner. When the weather is great, suggest a Sunday trip to the beach. The sand, the surf, maybe some refreshing lemonade (from Lemonade). Wait.. what’s that? In the sky. It’s a bird, it’s a plane.. no! Wait, it is a plane. A plane of sadness.
8. Have your new fuck buddy show up at their job and tell them. This one’s great. It adds even more insult to injury. Oh, have them bring flowers, too! With a card that says, “Your things are on the lawn. 60% chance of rain later. Hurry.”
9. Call their mom and tell them you’re sorry and to check in on them. Imagine getting a call from your mom saying she heard about your split and wants to make sure you’re okay. Not only do they go into a momentary panic, but they get to feel better by assuming it’s some kind of misunderstanding. Until you say, “Yeah, I figured it’d be easier coming from your mom.”
10. Surprise party. Gather all of YOUR friends for a party at your place. Invite him over as though it’s going to be a nice night in. When he opens the door: “SURPRISE!” He’ll be so pleasantly excited — until he notices the banner that says, “I’M LEAVING YOU!” Extra points for carrying on in a celebratory manner.