I just moved from the city that never sleeps (NYC) to the city that is asleep by 7:30pm (LA). After careful reflection (two nights), I present to you some of the painful lessons I am grateful to have learned in NYC.
10. It is unattractive and a little gross to be so drunk and sloppy at a party that your friends have to put you in a cab.
9. You will inevitably be so drunk and sloppy at a party that your friends will have to put you in a cab. It’s okay to be unattractive and a little gross.
8. You are broke because you spent all of your money on “going out” dinners with your girlfriends. Convince your friends to come over for “home cooked” Trader Joe’s frozen dinners ASAP. Text them right now.
7. The sooner you stop trying to become the gal who walks effortlessly in heels, the sooner you will enjoy your nights out. Unless you are one of those ladies who can walk naturally in heels — in which case, what’s your secret? I am desperate to know your secret.
6. You will have a moment when you are the lady in chic stripes walking out of Film Forum saying something terribly smart about Godard. You will also have a moment when you are the lady openly weeping down 6th Avenue eating a slice of pizza and carrying a number of heavy bags. Both moments will pass and both moments are entirely essential.
5. The summer is the city’s great equalizer — humidity reduces all people to their clammiest, frizziest, natural state. Take a good look at your friends. This is what they really look like.
4. Do not say the following sentence: “I never take the subway.” Even if true, it incites the wrath of all who hear those fatal words. It’s almost as bad as saying, “I never watch TV.” Really? I’m pretty sure you watched all of Scandal on Netflix. That counts as TV. BOOM! IN YO FACE!
3. Avoid Penn Station and Port Authority at all costs. If you are FORCED to go to Penn Station find solace in the classical music and get yourself an Auntie Anne’s pretzel on me — you deserve it, kid.
2. It’s acceptable to throw your latte to the ground in anger ONLY IF your pharmacy has unjustly treated you on the day you are moving to California and on that said day it’s also raining and you were counting on the pharmacy for a lick of kindness but instead they told you they would under no circumstances transfer your prescriptions to the mail order place you are being forced to use because a) your insurance company sort of mandated it and b) you do not want to be subject to the bureaucratic nightmare that is your CVS in Los Angeles. However, you can never throw a latte again.
1. The bouncer does not care who you are, or who you know, or what party your friend promised you could get into: if he’s not letting you in he has made his decision and it’s final. Walk away with dignity — there are many better places to be (and also — f*** that guy).
Bonus Lesson: Don’t sleep with all of your guy friends — sex is weird and boys are weird about it in a way that you are not weird about it. The laws of New York say you will also have to see these guy friends on a regular basis.