You probably won’t.
If it bothers you that you don’t know exactly what to do, just remember that you are not alone. None of us really know exactly what to do. There are always decisions in our lives that lead us to weigh the pros and cons, to think long and hard about which direction to move. The difference between those of us who don’t know what to do and those of us who don’t know what to do, but do something anyway, is confidence. It is trusting our decisions and knowing everything will be okay regardless of what happens.
I am tired of living in the past, second-guessing my decisions, and wondering what I should have done instead of being present with the choices I have made. I am relearning how to trust myself, and in that, I am coming to understand that trusting the process means taking in the ups, learning from the downs, and staying calm when my trajectory looks a little blurry.
Not knowing what the future has in store for me has previously caused me to be at a standstill when it came down to making any decisions about it. The weight of doing something felt like too much. I had been waiting for just the right thing to come along, something that would provide me with full happiness and leave me with zero qualms.
And so, I kept waiting, pretending like nothing negative could happen if I just…stood…still.
It wasn’t until one crazy coincidence (among the countless phone calls with my brother telling me that whatever I do will be okay) pushed me to take a leap of faith.
One Tuesday morning, I had decided to take a meditation class at my yoga studio, feeling like I was in dire need of peace. I had never taken one before, so I wasn’t sure what we would do in class other than meditate—I merely just hoped I’d be Zen as fuck when it ended.
At the beginning of class, which literally consisted of four old people and me, we pulled cards from the Doreen Virtue angel stack. I had also never done that before, pulling cards, and was skeptical what it would ~bring~ me. So, I set my intention to be open to what the card had to say. Little did I know that that moment was the exact one I needed to finally stop worrying and just start living.
The card I pulled was angel Francesca, with the words below the drawing of a woman in the moonlight reading: “What do desire right now? Visualize it, and it will come about. Negativity will block your process.”
Okay, I thought. I want clarity in how to move forward. I want a sign. That’s really just what I want. I want to know what I should do with my life.
When I opened the guidebook to read further into the card, my eyes immediately became blurry with salty tears:
“You have been asking the Universe and the angels, ‘What is next for me?’ Yet, we have been waiting for you to make that decision for yourself. That is why you have felt stuck lately. This impasse occurs because you are afraid of making a ‘wrong’ decision. We can help you to decide, but ultimately, the next chapter of your life is up to you. This is a period of your life that is unscripted.
Your desires are like a painting that you create upon the canvas of your life. Like an artist, you must decide what the theme, background, and foreground will be within your picture. Take some time out to meditate, pray upon, and contemplate this important decision. Be creative, and maintain standards for yourself. But remember: if you don’t make a decision, that’s the same thing as deciding that everything shall remain the same.”
I couldn’t believe what was happening. This card was calling me out on my shit. I had wanted someone else to solve my post-grad-quarter-life-crisis, but I secretly knew that it really was just up to me to do it. This was a sign from the universe to take the advice that everyone had been giving me, and to stop being anxious about creating my future. Why was I waiting for something great to come along when I could just create my own reality?
Two months later I moved six hundred miles away.
Now, I am ready to soak up what I can make of my life. Admittedly, it can still be hard to not look back and wonder if it was the best decision to move somewhere without securing a job, but at least I did something. And I still don’t know what I want to do, but at least I did something. So, like I said, I am tired of second guessing my decisions. I am ready to move forward.
Now, my friend, I am calling you on your shit.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You won’t make the wrong decision. If you do something you don’t like, you can change it. You will learn from it, and then you can change it. You are in control of your own life. Be confident in yourself. Be confident in your ability to feel what is best for yourself without having to actually know what it is.
Doing nothing can feel comforting, but it is not worth it. Take that leap of faith. Do what scares you. Trust yourself. Know that you will be able to put yourself back together if anything falls apart. Do not let your fear of the unknown paralyze you. You have your whole life to live.
Be done letting self-doubt get in the way of making the best of what you’ve got. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.