It seems that the more modern we become, the less primal we want to get between the sheets.
According to a study published in 2017 in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the average American adult has sex just once a week. The results suggest that there is both a declining rate of individuals without steady partners and sex within already established partnerships.
I prioritize sex. My husband and I work two jobs and raise three kids. Despite this, we’ve had sex 5 days a week almost our entire relationship.
The reason why is simple: Sex is good for us —and it’s good for you too. In one study, frequent sexual activity was linked to “lower blood pressure, reduced stress, and greater intimacy.”
Choosing to have more sex requires making deliberate choices. It must be a priority that you and your partner agree upon, and other things will have to be forsaken to make room for it. But the benefits are worth it, both in the short-term and in the long-term.
Here are ways you can begin having more sex today.
1. Start well before you get in the bedroom.
If the only time you touch your partner is when you’re horny, they are going to feel like a sex object—something you only notice when you want to get laid.
Regularly compliment and touch your partner’s body.
Tell them, “Your butt looks great in those jeans,” or “How lucky am I to be with such a DILF!”
Give them a hug.
Touch their arms.
Hold their hand.
Cuddle with them while you watch TV.
Put your arm around their waist or shoulders as you walk.
No one likes to feel used, and that’s how it feels when you don’t notice your partner dressed up nicely one morning, but then you want to get into their pants that night.
If this isn’t your norm, make it one. You’d be surprised how this one simple step can make it so much easier for you both to get naked later.
2. Stop doing something else.
It’s simple. In order to make time for something, you have to stop doing something else. If you truly want to make sex a priority in your life, you’ll need to cut something out to make space for it.
Assess your life realistically. Are there things you could cut out?
Maybe working after 6 p.m.? Spending too much time on social media? Folding laundry until 10? Working out for an hour six days a week? Enrolling your children in tons of extracurricular activities or not taking advantage of letting them carpool with other children’s parents/guardians?
If something is a priority in your life, you need to make room for it.
3. Divide household chores more equally.
It’s not new that heterosexual women today still handle a majority of the household chores and child care. Modern life is expensive, and most homes require both parents work.
A woman cannot be expected to work a full-time job, take on the majority of domestic duties, and have energy left over for sex with her partner. That’s not only rarely possible, but delusional.
If you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day, it might be because you’re doing too much and you need to ask your partner to step up.
It could also be that you’re the one who’s slacking, and you might need to get realistic about the demands of modern life and give up your traditional views of gender.
My husband and I share chores in a way that works for the both of us. We also hire cleaners to come every other week. Our decision to hire them is probably the sexiest thing we’ve done outside of actual sex.
4. Get into bed early.
Our toddlers are in bed every night by 7, our teen by 9, and my husband and I by 9:15.
Appropriate and consistent bedtimes are important for everyone. It doesn’t matter if everyone is asleep by that time, it just matters that they’re in bed by the same time every night.
My husband and I go to sleep around 10 or so every night, which means we have about an hour that we can use however we want. Sometimes we watch TV. Sometimes we chat. Sometimes we have sex. Sometimes we have a combination of all three.
Having a schedule means that not only are we well-rested, but we have some time to connect every day.
5. Schedule it.
I knew a couple in their 60s who had sex every Wednesday night.
They put it on their calendars. It was a sacred, non-negotiable time. If either one of them was asked to do something on that night, they’d say, with a little giggle or wink, “I’m busy that night. It’s Wednesday.”
Scheduling doesn’t sound sexy, but it is, and it might be necessary if you and your partner have different schedules.
Just think of how you feel once you book a vacation. You look forward to it. You know it’s a special time you’ll have to relax and connect.
Scheduled sex can be your vacation from your other worries and woes. A time to connect with your partner, try something fun or new, and relieve some stress.
Even though the average adult is having less sex today than in previous years, you and your partner can be the outliers. Make it a priority and make some changes in your life and more frequent sex can be possible.