Because sometimes, you have to explain something you never saw coming happened, and now you are living the worst possible nightmare every morning.
Because your heart is so full to capacity your brain can’t seem to comprehend anything else.
Because sadness can’t cover what you’re feeling, and you cannot find a word in the languages you know for what you’re feeling.
Because when you think ahead to big events, you want to freeze everything and rewind and rework and remake all the decisions you made.
Because people look at you with curiosity when they don’t see you acting the way they would expect to in the same situation (even while they reassure you, all people are different, and handle things differently).
Because sadness is exhausting. It makes zipping a coat, taking a shower, and reading the mail, hard to manage.
Because you can let another emotion in, and still feel sad.
Because it can’t be defined easily.
Because you have to share, no, you never saw it coming either.
Because you have to ask for help in situations (see, zipping a coat) you never foresaw.
Because you can’t cry when you finally get a moment to.
Because you feel frustration when you see people have more time, or warning, and still aren’t satisfied with that.
Because everyone else seems whole, and you feel so broken.
Because it seems like every other family is full.
Because the whole world feels like it’s over.
Because, for the first few days, it seems like all you do is say “thank you” – thank you for the food, thank you for coming, thank you for your kind words, and all you want to say is thank you to the person who’s not here any longer.
Because people pull away when you need them most, and you can’t reach out because it takes too much energy. And your relationships change because neither side knows what to do.
Because old memories dredge up new pain.
Because you think of your person and remember their unwillingness to let you linger on these emotions.
Because you think of all the big moments they won’t be here for.
Because you have to repeat the story to people who don’t know, and when they are shocked, you don’t know what to do with your hands – or words.
Because you have so much of it in your heart that you can’t concentrate on anything else for longer than five minutes.
Because you have to fight for air when you think of living a life without them by your side.