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Top 10 Bleakest Unpublished Blog Posts of 2009

There are 70 drafts in my Blogger account re 2009/my blog. Some were posted then unposted. Some have never been seen by other people…until now…in that here are 10 of them (unedited and in blockquotes), arranged in an increasingly bleak manner, with commentary from me.

Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses

One of the largest, softest, most complex areas of the human body is the ass. That asses are both sexual and fecal seems vaguely confusing. One considers the dual nature of asses and thinks “Freud, did Freud write about this, seems like he didn’t, seems like maybe he didn’t.” Asses are actually pretty rare. They seem to manifest mostly on mammals with 4 limbs of a certain length. Studies have shown that the ass evolved from the tail.

How to Butter a Sizzling Hot Ass Steak

You do not want memories of being alone in your room on a Friday night buttering a sizzlingly hot ass steak (unless you’re also going to either Tweet about it in an objective manner or, for purposes of conveying “quiet desperation” in an endearingly self-aware manner, include it in an autobiographical novel or short-story).

Factory-Farmed Hamster

The next eleven days the Factory-Farmed Hamster is force-fed pellets containing the meat/bones/tumors/fur of “fellow, deceased” Factory-Farmed Hamsters grinded—along with their “waste,” which often is scientifically  “not discernable” from their “bodies”—into a kind of paste that is “marinated” 4-8 hours in an antibiotic-hormone mixture and then dehydrated in gigantic microwaves.

“Unable to Process Neutral Statements as Neutral” Hamster

In a 2012 study of over ten thousand Unablehams 94% identified the sentence “I went to Wal-Mart, bought a black shirt and two bananas, paid with my HSBC debit card” as directly conveying one of the following: “America’s consumerist economy is destructive and amoral” (54%), “generation…

Review of Ten “Blogging Platforms”

Not sure at all what’s happening with LiveJournal currently or in the past eight to twelve years. Seems possible that something like “Mountain Dew bought it” or “it was abandoned but people are still using it” has happened. Seems to lack a meme-able CEO or high-level executive to a degree that I honestly “suspect,” to some degree, with some sarcasm, that it’s owned by a socialistic collective of 39,291 anonymous teenagers across North and Central America—14,219 in or around Mexico City….

Three Movies I Liked

The next scene shows people saying things like “did you wear a bag over your head?” and other people saying “no, I did not.” The girl says something like “well, somebody wearing Kevin’s clothes came into my room last night wearing a bag over their head, and they saw me naked.” Then the trailer said the movie was called Baghead. I was laughing almost uncontrollably…

Marina Abramović, “The Staring Woman at MoMA”

After doing things in the bar, someone’s apartment, another bar, a grocery store, White Castle (briefly, not eating anything), and my apartment it was ~6:00 AM and Thomas and I were each alone in our rooms, ~4 blocks from each other. I was stomachdown on my bed listening to music via earphones/iTunes. We were emailing each other. After ~8 emails I said something about MoMA. Thomas seemed immediately committed and excited.

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