Top 10 Worst Fruits to Get Blowjobs From

2. DURIAN

Undoubtably the most demanding fruit in terms of oral sex, if not the “worst” (some say coconuts are #1 only because of a semantic inaccuracy), durians love to perform unseemlily protracted blowjobs, refusing to try any method that doesn’t last at least 89 hours, claiming that their spiked exteriors can only be pierced by the nonstop and specific—but easily learnable, reliably safe, and ultimately enjoyable—thrust of an erect penis for 89 hours. Once pierced, however—and even the most zealous members of The Durian Council of Oral Sex admit this to be a troublingly solutionless problem—the fleshy interior of the durian, now exposed, will indomitably emit its cheese-y/rotten-egg-like odor, causing penises to become flaccid within 25 seconds. No human being has ever been known to have orgasmed from a durian blowjob, of which durians officially claim to be “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”

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