Thought Catalog

Top 10 Worst Fruits to Get Blowjobs From

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10. BLUEBERRY

One stares at a blueberry attempting a blowjob—usually by sort of shyly rolling itself, nearly imperceptibly, up and down the penis’ shaft—and feels only a mild, undemanding, almost soothing sensation of bleakness. This sensation is known as The Blueberry Incentive and is rewarding enough for some to seek out the rare, depraved, debt-ridden blueberry that’s willing to perform oral sex for an exorbitant fee.

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    • http://twitter.com/readdanwrite Daniel Roberts

      hehe

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        hehe

    • http://butterteam.tumblr.com/ butterteam

      i refuse to play the pageview game. put all this shiz on one page yall

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        bro…

        • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

          No joke. Aesthetic reasons. Aesthetic reasons.

        • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

          Segmenting content is respecting content. It allows for proper digestion, reflection, and whole picture consummation.

    • Manam

      died at “The Coconut Decision”.

    • chris k

      this is my favourite Tao Lin thought catalog article so far, i think. really liked it.

    • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

      I second “BUTTERTEAM.” I love Tao Lin (and feel vaguely ok about Thought Catalog), but I am not clicking “Next” nine more times.

      Oh, how lazy I've become. =

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        bro…

        • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

          For the first half of Richard Yates I thought you were HJO, but for the second half I thought that HJO was being a really creepy asshole (like as if someone heard Radiohead's “Creep” and it took v. literally as his life plan), and then I stopped thinking you were HJO.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Parker-Baldin/516709205 Parker Baldin

          lol, thats funny

    • Madison Moore

      GLORIOUS.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        sweet

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      lol…

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

      “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”-Tao Lin

      I now feel the urge to go out and get blowjobs from all other fruit not on the list. Seems like they would be pretty good.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        sweet…

    • http://www.smokingonanemptystomach.blogspot.com Jordan

      lol… sweet

    • Joe Martin

      Durian fruit seems depressed

    • http://twitter.com/ponchopeligroso Poncho Peligroso

      LVML

    • Toxicorder

      This was awesomely absurd

    • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

      Would like to fuck a passionfruit. Just to try it.

      Inclusion of banana seems mildly homophobic.

      Lime was my favourite.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        sweet

    • Julian Assange

      lol

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        sweet…

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      “a popular thread on a Diablo II messageboard complaining about how “duping” has ruined the “high” players used to be able to feel upon finding rare/unique items digressed suddenly into a seemingly earnest discussion about the viability of masturbating using a sock that has had 2-4 banana peels sewed carefully into its interior”

      holy shit, if this thread existed i probably commented on it. of the hundreds of stone of jordans that passed through my account i only found 1 naturally.

      waxing seriously nostalgic on diablo 2 right now, wow. miss u d2.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        sweet

        ~40-90% chance i'll buy and play diablo iii

    • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

      lol… :)

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      Guava jelly and a banana leaf seems ideal. Odd and entertaining.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        guava jelly…interesting

    • http://twitter.com/derpcircus miles barney

      heheheheheheheeheheheehehe

    • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

      You think about weird things, Tao.

    • G. Gephardt Frakes

      If Tao Lin were to be a worst fruit to get blowjobs from, which rank would he make?

    • WearilyWestlyEastly

      I highly recommend that the mango finds a place on this list. The reason being that the skin harbors sumac oil which is some sort of relative to poison ivy. I, myself, have been plagued by this because when the fruit skin touches me I turn orange at the point of contact. This usually means orange, crystalized lips. Mango is the king of fruits.

    • WearilyWestlyEastly

      forgive my terseness but the mango is pithy enough.

      • Crack Information

        mangos love it

    • racing games

      wow great nice Info. One can get so much knowledge from it.

      • Crack Information

        sweet

    • juggalo

      this one time I fucked a tomato. after about 1.5 minutes felt overwhelmed with embarrassment and set the tomato aside while I quietly and disappointingly masturbated into a sock.

    • Anonymous

      Do people know about this? What has TC become??!!

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