Top 10 Humans to Imagine Making Really Loud Whale Noises

10. Brad Pitt (b. 1963)

Brad Pitt is an American actor who has garnered two Academy Award nominations and four Golden Globe Award nominations. Imagine him comfortably seated on a sofa facing a fireplace leisurely making very loud whale noises after a really nice dinner of scallops, arugula salad, honey-encrusted almonds.

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  • jordan castro

    gucci mane, sweet

    laughed out loud ~5x while reading this, twice I think re brandon

    • tao

      are there black whales

      • jordan castro

        they have a song called 'books on tape'

        have been thinking a lot about how i'd like a band called 'the midgets' in which every member is a midget but plays regular sized instruments. imagining them saying 'hey, we're the midgets'

  • Travis Baugh

    when I try to imagine whale noises they never seem like they could be “shocking” or “scary” even if they were “really loud.” seems like whale noises are inherently “calming” or “comforting” like you would hear them in the background as you walk around an aquarium at night with someone you like and then you see two whales swimming together in a very large tank and it is like a metaphor (or a simile?) for your relationship and then you hold hands or something. also seems like an aquarium wouldn't have whales, they're too big and endangered, they'd probably have dolphins.

    • tao


  • elaine


  • Justin Timberlake

    dude i just got home from community college and LOL'd in front of my mom as i ate rice trying not to spit it out. for each one i assume it is not going to be funny but then once i take a moment to visualize the whale noises it gets really funny.

    i imagine everyone on set at harrison fords movie looking around at each other feeling extremely confused and awkward as to why this legendary actor is making scarily loud whale noises.

    • tao



    I once told a friend that I thought Lea Michele (of the popular show Glee) looked like a whale. The comment wasn't about her body, just that I thought Lea Michele's head looks exactly like a whale's head. My friend told me it was a 'crappy' way to describe Lea Michele then starting making allegations I only made the statement because Glee runs opposite a show I really like on the CW11.
    It would help me out a lot of Lea Michele would make whale noises in a strip mall parking lot while she attempted to locate her car. I think I would probably earn me a pretty sincere apology from my friend.

    • tao


  • Brian

    There monomaniacal sonic waves can be heard underwater. Brad Pitt's especially.

  • mario

    i think last year in english class my journal entries had a style and tone that seems almost identical to this. i feel like i [something related to gaining a lot of money/internet fame].

    • tao


  • Joseph Ernest Harper

    This is a really funny article.

  • megan boyle


    big time…

    seems to be garnering ~paragraph long comments, sweet

    • tao


  • James Yeh

    Obama and Ben Blum sightings. Sweet.

    • tao


  • Belgiangirl

    The Oprah one was on point, she would really do that!

  • bahbahbah

    i think most people would say “i appreciate your humor”, but when reading i felt like you were appreciating my humor, which was so nice of you.

    • tao


      • bahbahbah


  • miriam

    i thought that this was going to be an article about how the top 10 humans of the world are planning to get together and fantasize about making whale noises.

    • tao


  • stan

    imagine a whale on mushrooms

    • nhat

      feel like all animals are naturally tripping balls all the time.. thats why they don't get severely depressed like people

      • tao

        seems accurate


  • nhat

    i read the first three of these, googled 'whale sounds', then read the last seven to the blissed out healing tones of whalesounds. com. actually can't tell if the whales recorded are blissed out or severely depressed… seems like warbling/roaring/clomping/trumpeting are characteristic sounds of both emotional extremes. great job tao, this may be my favorite thing you've ever done… honestly feel like imagining famous people making extremely loud whale noises could help ~67% of people to feel happier/more content on a day to day basis/boost libido by a surprising degree.

  • Tommy P. Keane

    1,2,3, and 7: Perfect Buildup.

  • Bigballz

    omg community college

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