An Account of Emily Gould’s 5/6/09 “Launch Party” re And The Heart Says Whatever

“And The Heart Says Whatever” by Emily Gould (courtesy of Word)

I don’t remember when I woke or what I ate. I went to the library. I wrote on Allie’s Facebook wall something like “6:45 off Lorimer stop.” She wrote somewhere that she would be there. I texted Thomas ~5:00PM to meet at 6:45PM off Lorimer. He expressed surprise that the event was so early. I said it was a book party. He asked if time was important. I said sort of and that he could come at 6:55PM. He texted that he and Zachary passed each other earlier. I worked on things. I left the library. I got off the Lorimer stop ~6:45PM. I walked in different directions on the sidewalk in sunlight. I felt physically comfortable. At some point I texted something like “where the fuck are you” or “where are you bitches” in a mostly affectionate manner and Thomas texted he was near and was walking. I sat against a structure at the intersection and wrote to-do things in my small Moleskine. I called Thomas ~7:20PM and he said he was a few minutes away. I said I was leaving and for him to get off the Greenpoint stop on the G train two stops North. Thomas tried to express for me to wait for him. I asked him where Allie was and he said in a restaurant waiting and I felt confused.

“We were standing near Emily Gould who was sitting by the entrance signing books.”

I got on the G train and got off at Greenpoint and read a text from Thomas asking directions. I texted while walking to the bookstore. I went in. I went downstairs a little and didn’t see anyone I knew. It seemed very crowded. I saw Stephen Elliott. I went upstairs into the bathroom. I went downstairs and looked at my cell phone. Thomas had texted something. I texted for him and Allie to come. Stephen Elliott came upstairs. We began talking about using Kickstarter to raise $25,000 so we’d each have $12,500 to not do anything but write a screenplay for two or three months. We talked about including James Frey, Lili Taylor, Daniel Handler, Nick Flynn, others in the initial post on Kickstarter and said it seemed like it would get attention and that we should definitely do it. We walked about what the screenplay should be like. I said “avant-garde” and “not be bad.”

Meaghan came upstairs and Stephen and I talked to her and she said I should email Yancey from Kickstarter. Matthew Gallaway introduced himself. Meaghan said all three of the people standing near her were in her anthology. At one point I saw Thomas and Allie outside the store. They seemed to be staying outside. I saw them smoking, I think. At some point they came inside and I introduced Thomas to Stephen. They already knew each other. I asked how they knew each other. They said they met at the reading Thomas first met me at. I said “Jesus” or “damn” and probably “sorry” while grinning. I introduced Allie and Stephen who asked if Allie was Rachel’s friend. Allie said “Rachel?” or something and someone said she wasn’t Rachel’s friend. Stephen asked about the cuts on Allie’s face and neck and bruises on her nose and maybe neck. I said someone “beat her up.” Allie looked at Thomas. Thomas said something like “don’t look at me when people ask you that, I’m going to get my ass beat” while vaguely grinning. I was grinning, I think. Thomas and Allie walked away a little. Stephen and I continued talking about the movie. At one point we moved a little and I went to Thomas and Allie and Thomas and I stared at each other. We talked about how he was late. Allie gave me a Klonopin or I removed it from my pocket. I may have asked for free drugs as reimbursement for their lateness. Stephen walked toward me and I was sort of openly clutching my Klonopin, intending to swallow it at some point, and he asked what it was and I said “Klonopin” and motioned vaguely toward Allie and he may have grinned.

I removed my small Moleskine and asked what exactly we needed to do in order to proceed with the $25,000 Kickstarter plan. We decided on creating an email address, emailing Yancey, drafting a Kickstarter proposal, emailing famous writers we knew. I said I had nothing in my life I was currently doing so this seemed good. Stephen said he had nothing in his life either. Stephen asked how dinner with Rachel was and I said that I went with another girl and left after eating. He said he needed to “get out” of his relationship with Rachel. I asked something about why he couldn’t and he said something about how he had tried but that she wouldn’t let him. I said in an amused tone that it wasn’t her decision if he wanted to be in a relationship or not. I don’t remember what was said after that but Stephen seemed to be grinning a little.

“She said we needed to find a bass player and a guitarist.”

Thomas and Allie and I went downstairs then upstairs. I saw Lesley Arfin and tapped her shoulder a little. We hugged and she said something about wanting a real hug. We hugged again. At one point she asked if I had a girlfriend and I said no. She said she just broke up with “machine” after something like 1.5 years. She said it was the person from Team Facelift. I said I knew someone who dated that person for 6 months. She asked who and I said a girl named Nina who was in MissBehave. She asked if the girl wrote for MissBehave or was in it and I said in it. We said more things and Lesley said she knew who I was talking about and that the person I was talking about was a rapper. I said I had known her for 20 days and maybe somehow indicated I was vaguely trying to cause it to become a relationship. She said “machine” had broken up with the person I was talking about because he felt something like that she was weird. Lesley said Nina was cute. I asked if she knew Nina. I don’t remember what she said. She repeated that Nina was a rapper. I said something like “you dated a rapper.” I think Allie was outside smoking. Thomas was standing by me and I had introduced him at some point and he was saying little things sometimes. We were standing near Emily Gould who was sitting by the entrance signing books. I was holding her book standing in line. Lesley and I talked about starting a pop-punk band. She asked what pop-punk bands I liked. I paused for maybe 15 seconds. I said “Good Riddance.” She said something like “so Fat Wreck Chords type stuff” and I said “yeah…” feeling a little surprised and somewhat excited that she knew the bands I liked. She said we needed to find a bass player and a guitarist. Later she came to me and said she was leaving but that we should do the band thing and that she would look for a bass player and a guitarist and that I should look also and I said I would.

I gave Emily Gould her book and said something about who I was and she said she knew. She seemed a little nervous and seemed to be sort of apologizing for the Gawker things and then asked if I saw the thing she wrote about my Bookworm interview and I said I did and that I liked it and was happy about it. I said she should draw a hamster. I said things in a nearly-continuous manner as she signed the book and attempted to draw a hamster. I said “thank you” and “good luck with the book release” and walked to Thomas and we walked outside. I went inside and outside a few times. At some point Thomas and Allie were outside sitting in one-seat sofas that swiveled. I sat in one and swiveled. Allie removed a US Weekly from somewhere and gave it to me and said she brought it for me. I looked at it calmly while thinking things in a cautious-seeming manner. Thomas went inside for beer. I asked Allie some things. I don’t remember what we said. At one point we talked about Lorrie Moore’s Like Life which I was carrying with some papers and maybe one other book. She went inside to find Thomas. I swiveled slowly while feeling calm. I looked at Keith Gessen in the distance talking to people. He seemed skinnier than I remembered and I thought that he looked good. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

More From Thought Catalog