The Letter I Wished I Could Send You

Dear You,

It has been a while but the present always makes ways for the past to be remembered. Every. Single. Day.

It still hurts. Yes — but I and you have to both move on. I never thought living for a year without will be easy. Believe me, it has always been hard. I have to wake up convincing myself that there will never be those “cheesy” good morning texts nor those “have a nice day” nothings. I always miss you. I wonder if you also do.

I could have fought for the idea that there could have possibly been an us in the end — but that idea consumed me and made me blind. I have looked into every lie as the truth I have always wanted from you. But it is not always sunny during our days – I also have to wake up and think of myself – I, too, need to grow.

Then, I thought to myself “I just have to leave you”. I have to leave you with haughtiness in exchange for the emptiness. I left you because I never saw myself in the idea of you and me being together. I left you because you’ve let me — I was drifting on these vast sea of feelings with you on the shore, holding a life vest, but you never attempted anything. You did not.

How could I cling to someone with nothing to hold? How could you expect me to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me? And how could I live with someone who I have to beg to repay the way I look at him with giddiness and happiness? I had to leave.

A lot of days I find myself waiting — I wait for you to realize that I am worth keeping, that one day you will just appear in front of me begging for a second chance – yes begging – for it is something I have always done and yet you did not notice. But you never came.

I cannot find the most effective ways to forget you, forget our memories both good and bad. Whenever I find myself sad, I simply look at the diary of me of you and stare blankly waiting for it to become the reality finally. However, I just find myself crying blankly for I don’t know what to feel anymore. I cannot understand why tears ran down from my cheeks but I smile.

Someday, this will all be over.

I never want this to happen and promised myself to not go back to you. There will always be words better left unsaid — just like what you typed in our new year’s good-bye. These will always be the words I have and will always tell you. I may not send these over but the time will come, I know you’ll come across this and by that time — I won’t be here.

One thing’s for sure – I knew I loved you.