1. The guy who doesn’t know his limit.
The one that’s sloppier than a public school sloppy joe. The definition of a party foul. He spills beer on all the girls, drops the ladle in the juice bucket (which should be punishable by death), and photo bombs the picture of you and your best friend from kindergarten. Everyone’s trying to find out who in the hell brought this dude, but claiming him as a friend is social suicide. Just leave him be and play around him.
2. The guy who treats his phone like a person.
This guy might as well not even be at the party, but he sits around everyone else and pretends to be interested in casual conversation. He’s probably in a fight with his significant other, sending out text messages the size of novellas, filled with several hundreds of frowny faces, hearts, and all the other traditional fixins of humiliating emotional text messaging.
3. The guy who never comes inside, but smokes like a chimney stack.
You’ll never know much about this guy. He seems nice. Probably a big movie go-er, appreciates classical music, and drinks cheap wine like a champ, and will talk to you about all of these things at great length while sucking down Marlboro Reds. He’s cool enough if you talk to him, unless the party takes place in winter, in which case, f-ck that.
4. The socially talented guy.
He thinks himself the life of the small-get-together, and you are palpably envious of him. He’ll say things that sound so simple, yet so perfectly-timed, that you can’t decide if he’s intelligent, incredibly stupid, or just moderately high. And for some evolutionarily backwards reason, the women think he’s hilarious, and are drawn to him throughout the party as if by magnets. You hate him.
5. The ninja.
This guy is easily spooked, to say the least, though he may prove to be necessary. He hears police sirens outside and feels his underage reflexes react from years and years of elite, stealth training. His body automatically responds by finding the nearest, most covert hiding place in your house. You find him passed out in a closet the next morning.
6. The athlete.
When the only thing you hear for 30 minutes are the girls saying, “What position do you play?”, followed by that awkward moment when one girl comes up to you and somewhat snidely asks, “What do you do?” expecting you to be a golfer or something based on your noodle-y physique, you know that The Athelete is here. You hear yourself answer, “Oh, I’m a chemist,” which may be one of the most unattractive things you could possibly say to a girl at a party, except maybe “I’m a model for STD Public Service posters.” Then, as you have made the fatal error of inviting The Athlete, in about an hour, more than half of the girls you painstakingly invited will leave with him in some kind of harem.
7. The guy who doesn’t leave.
The party’s dead. There is no more party. The party has ceased to be. And yet this guy’s staying after, expecting a cup of coffee. And no matter how hard you try to get him to stop talking, he doesn’t listen. He remains blissfully unaware of how much you just want to go to bed and enjoy the spins. Instead of getting angry and throwing him out, just make some waffles, talk about life, and invite the guy smoking outside (who is undoubtedly still there as well) for one last drink before bed.