This Is How I’m Living Every Day Without You

I do know getting over someone and getting through a rough breakup is a long process. It obviously doesn’t mean that after the last day I wrote about in the poem I was all about rainbows and butterflies. I wasn’t. This is just me breaking down how I felt the days following our breakup.

SATURDAY

It hurts so damn much
I wish I could bleed it all out
just to see where the wound is.

It’s been fourteen hours
since you hung up on me.
Time goes by so slow.
I can’t even sit still.

SUNDAY

The first thing I saw this morning
was your happy face on a new picture.
I can’t sleep, eat or stop crying,
for that matter,
and you’re living life
like I never existed.

So I do it.
I text you.
I allow myself some bitterness
and let it all out.
How you’re a hypocrite.
How you’re damn careless.
How you’re nothing
like the man I once dated.

When I tell my parents,
they smile and say
this is the Tania they know:
a girl with a strong personality,
bad temper when messed with
and somebody who will most definitely
call you out on your bullshit.

And at the same time you shrug, I guess,
because that’s what I’ve become to you:
a tired gesture.

MONDAY

I woke up in my sister’s bed today.
I keep crying like my tears won’t run out.
And let’s face it,
it feels like they probably won’t.

So I go over to my best friend’s house,
our common friend’s house,
and my heart breaks some more.
She says she hates seeing me suffer
and how my pain was inflicted
by someone she even admired.
Someone she loved.
Someone I loved.
Or what’s left of him.

TUESDAY

You talked to me today,
asked how I was doing,
and I’m not one to lie
just so my demons won’t haunt you.

I need a damn explanation.
I want to know how you stop feeling,
how you stop loving,
how you stop caring.
I could use the tips right now.

You say it happened gradually,
(as if we’d been together for 20 fucking years,
don’t make me laugh)
but you want to drop it.

And then I realize:
You don’t have what I long for.
You don’t know why you left me.
You don’t know what you feel.
You saw a problem
and misplaced the solution.
You don’t know what to say
and you never knew what to do
and I just feel sorry for you.

WEDNESDAY

Today I woke up feeling like crap.
My whole body hurts.
My head’s about to explode.
Is this what heartbreak
is supposed to feel like?

It turns out it’s the flu.