I was 28 when I decided to leave my husband and start a new life. Marriage just wasn’t for me. At one point I was in love with him but how our marriage was set up, how society told us our marriage should be, just did not work. So what is it that has us all messed up?
1. Spending too much money on the wedding day.
I spent 40k on my wedding and that was after “haggling” and searching for ‘bargains’. From what I hear, that’s cheap! There are no such things as deals or bargains in the wedding industry. Not to mention, it’s one day. In hindsight, I’d rather had spent that money on a dream home for the both of us. Instead, hard earned cash was thrown down the toilet and for what? One day of false merriment for guests to celebrate a piece of paper. Keep things low key. People spend sometimes years planning a wedding and not nearly enough time planning a marriage. It’s no wonder that when all the limelight of the wedding is gone, couples are left in a lull of ‘now what?’ Plus, weddings are all starting to look and feel the same, don’t you think?
2. Two become One.
I’m not talking about the Spice Girls song. I’m talking about a loss and/or disrespect of individuality…the nitty gritty that makes people who they are. I was in a relationship where we did everything together. By the time we had broken up and I was filling in online dating profiles…I couldn’t tell you whether or not I liked to read in my spare time or how I liked my eggs. I became an extension of him instead of remaining who I was. In a relationship, you’re two individuals who decide to share their lives with one another, not become one another. I believe that still going out with your boys or your girls is perfectly healthy and should never stop. You are who you are and you lived your life a certain way before anyone came into the picture, so why should that stop because they’re there? You need your own separate life to maintain a level of happiness and sanity. Match your outfits, not your identities.
3. You don’t have to sleep in the same room.
Sometimes it’s nice to have the bed to ourselves. My ex used to get insecure when I would want my own space to sleep. I enjoyed sleeping by his side but there would be times where not giving a crap about where my legs were felt amazing. It’s by far the best sleep (second to a couch nap).
4. Give yourself alone time.
I think if my ex travelled for work, I’d have a bag packed and ready to go at any given moment. Alone time, for some reason, is seen as such a negative when it’s really quite healthy. It gives you time to breath, recharge, do your thing and just be. If the trust and security in the relationship are there, none of you have a thing to worry about.
5. Marrying young.
By no means am I discrediting marriages that started young and remain successful (i.e. 10 years or more) to this day. Kudos to you! But let’s face it…when you’re in your 20s you’re still discovering who you are as a person. Society puts all this pressure to marry by a certain age and it forces people into meaningless relationships all to fulfill a publically demanded timeline. Take your time. Discover who you are and find that person who appreciates that and is excited to see you flourish.
Ultimately, do you and do what you do as a couple; as two people who have decided to share their journeys together. Not every relationship or marriage needs to look the same. Do what works best for you. A big wedding will add no meaning or value to a big marriage.