Dating In Candyland: A Confusing Guide For Guys Who Actually Want A Girlfriend

“Your way with words gets me hard” I sat up in my bed, causing the pile of Lindor Truffle wrappers on the pillow next to me to fly in all directions. I stared at the glowing text box on my cracked iPhone 5 screen for over a minute. “your way with words gets me hard” “your way with words gets me hard” I whispered to myself repeatedly in quiet awe. MY WAY WITH WORDS GETS HIM HARD I shouted at my roommate’s cat Felix curled up at the foot of my bed. Felix opened one eye then closed it. He remained unaffected. As it turns out, the guy who sent that lovely sentiment sent me a text two weeks later that included the phrases “hit it from behind” and “roll a j on ur butt” on the day of my late grandfather’s passing. Granted, the poor guy had no way of knowing what was going on in my personal life that day. Nevertheless, I found it all very unsexual. Plus, it turns out I am allergic to weed.

Still, his initial text got me thinking: I WANT MORE GUYS TO SEND ME SENTIMENTS UNRELATED TO THE EGGPLANT EMOJI IN 2017. Because there’s nothing more disheartening than receiving a text from your crush at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night and all it says is “wyd” followed by an eggplant. I don’t even like eggplant. It’s spongy and gross. Let’s think BEYOND the eggplant here, dudes. Send me a lollilop or a cakepop or even the ice cream cone emoji will get me immediately thinking about your sweet treat. Mmhmmm.

MORE GIRL WORLD PROTIPS FOR THE DUDES (I hope I’m not coming across as an uppity biatch, I just want you, the guy, to know how to get that girl you really want – I’m on YOUR side!!!):

1) Girls like to be surprised!

We like to be thrilled. I’m not talking lavish gestures like Michael Kors watches and Chanel croc bags with the gold chains. Those are extreme thrills – almost too extreme for some of us. What I’m hyping is cheap thrills like the SIA song (there she goes again with the Top 40 references). For instance, you could find out what our favorite candy is (REESES KING SIZE CUPS THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and then make sure it’s on hand whenever we hang out. Or, and I know this sounds cliché, you could deep creep through our Instagram, find out what our favorite flower is (pink carnations if it’s killing you to know), and then 1-800-FLOWERS those bad boys to our place of work or our apartment – if you’re lucky enough to know the address. Fun fact: I’ve never received flowers from a guy. If I did, I’d probably feel the need to enlist the services of a psychic to find out why my life is suddenly so great!

2) Girls still dig chivalry!

Often, even a simple gesture of niceness, will completely dismantle a girl in all the right ways. For instance, when you’re riding in our car and the car gets a flat tire, maybe offer to 1) get out of the car and change the tire for us (if that’s in your skillset) or 2) get on your smartphone and start googling the nearest auto shop (or if you have one of those Triple A roadside assistance memberships – even better!)

Fun fact: I once dated a guy whose solution to my friend Leah’s tire blowing out on our way to Vegas was to walk across the street to 7-Eleven and buy himself a pizza while my friend and I figured out the logistics of getting the tire changed. Very unsexual!!!

3) Girls like to be asked questions!

About anything. Literally anything. We like to share. We are over-sharers, many of us. We want you to be interested in something specific about us. Even if it’s stupid. Case in point: I used to frequent this one liquor store down the street from my old house in Long Beach because I had a flaming crush on the guy who worked there. His name was Silver, he had a hot butt, and he would always make a point to compliment something I was wearing or ask me what my favorite San Pellegrino soda flavor was which I informed him was in fact Prickly Pear. SWOON.

My point is fellas, you being interested in something specific about a girl really gets her going. It kind of makes up for the painfully awkward fact she can see all the other girls whose selfies you’re liking on Instagram while chatting her up. SHE KNOWS YOU’RE SENDING THEM EGGPLANT EMOJIS TOO.

4) Eggplant at the end of the text message or no eggplant (?!?)

I know it’s not always easy, my dudes, trying to embed the thought of your penis into a busy female brain. And I’m aware the eggplant emoji basically signifies a penis (especially amongst millennials like myself). Here’s the thing, I’m sure you, as a dude trying to date and get laid just like everyone else, have encountered at least one or two chicks who haven’t responded positively to your use of the eggplant at the end of a text message. Lately, I’ve had friends, both guys and girls, mention this whole eggplant emoji issue to me. My male friends are baffled and my female friends seem to be either very pro-eggplant or totally anti-eggplant. There is no in between for the girls on this one. I myself am deeply interested in knowing what exactly is driving some girls away from the eggplant and why other girls are all about it. So I texted a bunch of my girlfriends one morning “tell me how do you really feel about the eggplant emoji” (a totally normal text to receive at 8:30 a.m. on a weekday). The responses from four different females below! TC mark

Girlfriend #1’s Response (she digs it!)

via Talitha Riley

Girlfriend #2’s Response (she’s bored with it)

via Talitha Riley

Girlfriend #3’s Response (she appears to be against the sexualization of eggplants)

via Talitha Riley

Girlfriend #4’s Response (she’s a savage!)

via Talitha Riley

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I dumped my ex-boyfriend because he refused to help me parallel park! Follow Talitha on Instagram or read more articles from Talitha on Thought Catalog.