When Love Becomes Your Addiction

Maybe I was just addicted to the chaos, the drama and the self-destruction. You were my favorite drug, and I just kept coming back for more. You weren’t like marijuana; calming me down every second, you were my cocaine; lifting me up, only to push me closer and closer to the ground. You were my guide, promising to show me the light, but instead, pushing me towards the darkness. Our love was intense, passionate and like nothing else I had ever experienced before. I was under the false belief that it was our love that kept you in my heart, but maybe I was wrong. You see my love, maybe we were both two young and insecure people who found comfort in each others’ brokenness. You were the bandage I would use to cover the deepest wounds of my soul.

Maybe I was just a girl that was searching for love and commitment from a human being unable to put forth those two things. Maybe I was just a girl scared to experience deep, emotional pain and you were my perfect match. You see my love, we were both experiencing a million feelings coming at us at the speed of light. They were more than we could handle. You felt everything so deeply and all at once. You decided it was easier to suppress the love you felt. It scared you to the core and tormented you. You were so beautiful, but so broken. You felt so deeply, so much, so fast but you didn’t know how to give that love.

Just like the cocaine can take away the pain, it can also add fuel to the already burning issue. Just like a bandage can cover up the wound, the adhesive tape will eventually come apart and open the wound right back up, making it bigger and deeper than before. This, my dear, was what you did to me.

You were a lost soul, every inch of your being frightened. You were just like the rest of us; just trying to get by every single day. Fear and confusion took over and pushed you to search for a being willing to give everything and take nothing back, That being was me. My lack of self esteem pushed me to beg for reassurance that I was not alone, holding on to any little hope that this could turn into true love. Then you would disappear from my life without an explanation, like you always did, months at a time, and the harsh reality came slamming down all over again, just like the comedown of a cocaine high. This was not true love.

Then, a funny thing happened. Something took over every part of me.

Suddenly I was allowing myself to feel everything fully. Suddenly I was no longer scared of the unknown and extremity of the feelings and thoughts that were taking over. Suddenly I was no longer scared of surrendering my control. Suddenly I started allowing myself to accept the love given. Suddenly I realized that you can fall in love many times during your lifetime, but finding true love is a shot in the dark; a one in a million chance.

HE made me realize that true love is never complicated, it is effortless. It gives freely of itself, without demand or pressure. True love is simple, beautiful and never questioned. True love is equality and a willingness to allow another to see the deepest and darkest corners of your soul. True love is not dependence, but rather an addition to the complex and beautiful being that you are. True love is familiar yet new and exciting at the same time.

HE was my marijuana; calming every inch of anxiety felt across my body. His high grounds me and brings me a whole new sense of self. Instead of being the bandage to cover up my wound, he became what I really needed; a mirror placed in front of me. HE shows me just how beautiful I really am. HE is the key used to unlock my heart. HE shows me just how much love I’m capable of giving and the true love I’m now able to feel. HE is the magnifying glass placed over my soul. HE brings out the best parts of myself and sees the gentle soul that I am. Instead of guiding me towards the darkness, He brings me towards the light, every. Single. Day.

Our love for each other is not synthetic like cocaine, but real like marijuana. Our love is addictive, putting us on a natural high, forever and always, with no comedown. Our individual wounds aren’t covered by bandages, instead they are healed by the feeling in the air surrounding us; true love.

Life doesn’t promise many certainties. It puts us through many hardships so we can recognize the good when it is brought into our lives, that is certain. Time doesn’t stop, it is constant, that is certain and we are brought into this world with the certainty of dying one day. It is these life promises that have brought on realizations. You have to fall in love for the first time to realize that there are two kinds of romantic love. You have to fall in love for the first time to realize what true love really is when you come across it once in a lifetime.

You have to fall in love and give everything to someone who is unable to reciprocate that back in order to learn what you deserve and show yourself that you are capable of loving someone with everything you have. You have to fall in love, only to be torn apart inside, so that when you come across a love so true, you hold onto it with every fiber in your body. Time doesn’t stop so that true love can be constant. The certainty of death that comes with the gift of life is placed in front of us so we realize that life is short and every minute of every day should never be taken for granted. The certainty of death pushes us to realize that nothing anyone can say, think or impose on us matters. The only thing that really matters are the two people involved, feeling the greatest gift life can give us: love.

The final certainty can only be found in your heart. It is the certainty you feel when you’ve found the being that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. It is the certainty you find deep down inside that tells you that this is what real happiness is. It is the certainty that I felt when I found true love with you.