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If Stoute is saying that the Grammy committee selected Spalding and Arcade Fire just to get people glued to their screens and talking for hours on end after the ceremony was over, he’s wrong. Both these things happened, but is it so hard to believe that the message might actually have been, “We want more of you to think the Grammys are relevant, so we’re going to start paying attention to some of the artists that you actually pay attention to”?

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When you finally reach the girl with the list, you’re directed over to “standing” – a line of noticeably less attractive people. Watch everyone you’ve seen on the Internet breeze by to his or her seat, in streamlined silhouettes, immaculately groomed. See Kirsten Dunst and Natalie Portman, conclude they were just born with a different kind of oxygen around them. Feel like you’re in special ed class.

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You’ve endured the months (perhaps years) of threatening notices, the drudgery of paperwork, the court dates and legal filings, and now, congratulations! You have your “law date.” Your law date is the day the police can kick you and your stuff to the curb. A smart soon-to-be-homeless person like you will implement a plan for managing the strategic time between now and your law date. Here’s what your plan should include…

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Few things bring me as much joy as watching traditional media outlets cover Internet stories and explain online phenomena. In this Fox 11 news segment, the topic at hand is trolling. Trolls, as you know, “lurk in chatrooms or on YouTube until they unleash mean-spirited, menacing attacks on unsuspecting victims.”

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On the road, I thought to myself, oh shit I’m way too tired. Oh shit. I turned up the radio, opened the window. I made it ok to the parking lot and retrieved my wallet. To get home faster I pulled onto the highway. I was doing ok, I guess. Then I woke up to a loud smash; I had rear-ended an SUV. Shit shit shit I thought.

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She was probably going to the mall to buy a dress from Forever 21 and maybe eat a corn dog from Hot Dog On A Stick. Perhaps she was frazzled and texting her crush, “What R U doing?! I’m at da mall. Meet me?” when she fell into the dreaded fountain.

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Only a couple of weeks into the new year, and we’ve already amassed a pretty long list of “Worst Parents Ever.” There was the awful mother who forcibly had her five-year-old daughter’s eyebrows waxed on Toddlers & Tiaras, the scumbag father who had his two-year-old son bagging weed, the woman who left her four-month-old baby in a freezing car while she shoplifted.

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Bleak? Depressing? Funny? Liberating? Check out this girl’s take on Black Swan style after the jump.

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Clearing Stern of any wrongdoing closed the book on the scandalous life (and death) of Anna Nicole Smith, finally allowing her mourners to move on. I, for one, will never move on though. Smith’s drunken pilled-out spirit will continue to live on inside of me forever, thanks in no small part to an extensive collection of videos on YouTube.

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Google “how to make money online.” Look at website after website, written by people claiming to make $800+ a month by doing absolutely nothing!!! Click on a link. Click on another link. Become no more informed on how to make money online. Look at the time. Realize four hours has passed.