“

Where are my friends from January 2000? How many romantic partners would be shadows in the background, only to disappear in later photos? Why is my hair so long now? What have I been doing for 12 years?

“

Never use the excuse, “I’m tired” to turn down a good time.

“

Almost instantly, Karen became a national celebrity. America felt terrible for her, as we rightfully should, so heartbreakingly sweet and apologetic interviews with Karen can now be found across TV and the web.

“

In a flash, it’s six hours later and I know the words to all of One Direction’s songs and I hate Finchel and I think bowties are cool and I want Sherlock to shag the bejesus out of John Watson. I look out my window at the people having fun on the city streets and I pity them.

“

But the thing that makes this particular video really unfunny is the venue: The Lincoln City Council chambers. And the nearly five minutes Lincoln council members spent listening to and watching this venom drool out of Ms. Skrovota’s mouth. Without interruption.

“

I have an embarrassing confession: I love Jenna Marbles. For the tragically unfamiliar, Jenna Marbles is a hot girl on YouTube who weekly bestows genius pearls of life advice on her viewers while wearing a turtle backpack and balancing cute dogs on her chest.

“

The walls of my bed chamber seemed to be closing in on me the more I scrolled and read, but I still couldn’t stop. There were so many questions, and my questions led to more questions.

“

In today’s world, thanks to YouTube and Internet search engines, their remarks will be remembered by thousands if not millions of people for the rest of their lives — and possibly for even longer than that. Indeed, social media gives new meaning to Mark Antony’s line in Julius Caesar: “The evil that men do lives after them;/ The good is oft interred with their bones.”

“

For a long time, we discussed the improbable vitriol that people level against each other online. Personal attacks from people who don’t know each other. Vicious professional critiques from folks with no background in the field they’re commenting on.

“

Presumably, when we place our ephemera into a time capsule, whether it’s a ziploc baggie in a shoebox in the backyard, or a municipal vault sealed on the occasion of some locally-relevant anniversary, we hope to impart an accurate snapshot to the future — a selective recreation of life as we know it.