“

I have a ton of work to finish. You’re aware of that, but you’re still going to call, and with the conviction of the most gifted salesman, pitch me the idea of going out.

“

You see this coke bump of sugar, here? How about the Lake Superior of coffee you left behind? I love modern art as much as the next girl, but I draw the line at abstract coffee grinds.

“

All of my nights are long, morning people. All of them. No, I didn’t go to a meth-fueled rave out in the desert last night that kept me up until the wee hours (though that may have been preferable), I just had a normal night, likely in or around my own bed.

“

Whatever this person is doing with their life, you no longer have the balls to do it. They’re quitting their job on a whim to go backpack through Asia. They’re dating gorgeous people they meet and ask out in the middle of the grocery store.

“

Open Excel and start making a nonsensical spreadsheet or one of your favorite bars ranked by drink price and ambiance.

“

You know that horrible cliche in movies when a blind person asks a seeing person to describe the sunset? This is how I feel asking my day job friends about Fridays.

“

“It’s cool. S/he’s probably just busy right now” turns into you singing Beyonce’s “Irreplacable” and imagining the different ways you could set them on fire without getting caught.

“

I just wanted to reach out to you all and apologize in advance for not lifting a finger at work this morning or afternoon.

“

The thing no one wants you to know is that mania is fun. It’s great. It’s how a lot of us function. It’s how a lot of us succeed.

“

Despite being doused in fire hazard-worthy doses of ckIN2U, the stench of bad breath hangs around TBM like sewer fog. Avoid on sight or, if you find yourself accidently seated next to this kind of mouth breather, relocate at the next stop — lest you too become infected.