“

The epitaph on his tombstone reads, “Here lies Kaspar Hauser, riddle of his time. His birth was unknown, his death mysterious.” Was he one of history’s greatest pranksters, or was he the victim of a tragic royal scandal?

“

I’m not too sure why lollipops are banned in Washington state.

“

Soften.

“

“The gal who pissed and shit herself while screaming, ‘I’m pissing and shitting myself you motherfucking bitch!'”

“

You know, I’d like to think I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to relationships and who people choose to spend their lives with, but I guess that maybe I’m a lot less tolerant than I thought.

“

Someone please buy this man a fourth grade textbook.

“

Of course, there’s still that other 15%…

“

Someone please make this stop.

“

He threatened that he has more tape and more fish to use in the future, too.

“

I tried to be normal and I failed. Believe me, I wish I could succeed at being normal.