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I feel like I’m preaching to the choir here, I know you all feel the same way, and I’m usually hard pressed to find a white person who doesn’t think Wes Andersen is a genius.

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Lizzy Caplan (of Party Down (RIP), Freaks and Geeks (RIP), Mean Girls, and my dreams).

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This is not the yellow “Futura” font you’re looking for. Ha. …That, um, was meant to be a Wes Anderson joke. Or a “Star Wars” joke. Whatever, man; I just work here, you know?

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Why are you going to subject yourself to scrolling through Perez Hilton while muttering about what a misogynistic pile of soggy hairballs that man is — what is that bringing to your life?

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He’ll admit that one beer is all it takes. He’ll tell you that his facial hair still comes in patchy. He’ll say he’s intimidated by you and you won’t believe him for a second.

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After spending most of our lives being able to dress however we pleased, we’re now entering a time when we actually have to start considering whether or not an outfit is age-appropriate. When you’re in your mid-twenties though, this can be a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

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You’d fall in love with me if you saw me wearing my scarf. At first you wouldn’t know what it was that you were feeling. Just some vague sensation of desire. Then you’d say, “Oliver, I never say stuff like this and I do not know what’s come over me, but can I… touch your scarf?” And I’d say: “…No.”

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You’re a 35-year-old singer who writes lyrics about candy and kissing boys behind the monkey bars. I mean, I get that it’s twee and adorable to talk about such things, but it’s also weird because you’re clearly too old to be living la vida schoolgirl.