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My wife and I were eating dinner one night when a guy walked in our house. He told us he was the angel of death and was collecting souls for the apocalypse.

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When I asked about her imaginary friend she solemnly told me that he lived in our house a long time ago.

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“Apparently he’d climb up to the bedroom window outside and watch you until you saw him.”

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“Long story short this man had been getting into their home via a doggy door.”

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Ted put all his one night stand stories on Barney so he doesn’t look bad/manipulative in front of his kids, meaning like 50% of the stories of Barney manipulating women are Ted lying to women to get laid”.

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I saw someone step behind a tree rather quickly and try to hide from me.

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Church camp made us burn our panties that were “shameful to god”.

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As I continued on my way, I heard him say “You’re gonna have a bad day tomorrow.”