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I’m not a fan of running on a treadmill.

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You’ll definitely want to watch it more than once.

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Don’t let the potential for what someone could think hinder or halt your progress.

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We need to respond to insecurities by finding them a purpose, rather than a diet.

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The moment her odor entered my nose, my face lost its red hue. Her smell started asphyxiating me and hindering blood from reaching my brain. Did I leave the warmth of my sheets to smell her fart? She had surpassed my tolerance threshold.

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I’ve been traveling at one pace for so long, and for so far, that if I stop I will get catapulted off, slam to the ground, and break things that might not heal.

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You and your friend both know that she hasn’t worn actual pants since like 2004, so getting her another pair of her signature yoga/fitness/it-looks-like-I-worked-out-earlier-but-really-I’m-just-running-errands-all-day pants will surely be the most functional gift she receives this year.

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Go to sleep too late. Wake up too early. Eat bagels in a strip mall with someone you had a class with at community college. Spend lunch breaks wandering grocery store aisles. Meet your mother at a diner. Attend “bar night” with some co-workers. Leave last. Smoke a cigarette. Paint your nails blue. Have sex right away or don’t have it at all.