“

I often find myself thinking, “I’m so glad that Tim Burton chose to look at Helena every morning when he wakes up, because now we get the pleasure of doing it, too. He is truly doing the Lord’s work.”

“

I’m like the emotional equivalent of the homeless man leering at breasts in the corner of the bus while swigging from a bottle of whiskey. “Yeah, that’s right, I bet you’re goal-oriented but caring. I bet you’d make a great father. Oh, yeah.”

“

In order to bag a Princess/live happily ever after/be a hero, princes have to be: ripped, two weeks away from coming into their inheritance, live in a castle, and have a face like looking directly at an orgasm.