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That’s what iPad owners always say. They get up in your face, wave the iPad around, and tell you to kill yourself — not that you’re doing that; you’re a nice person who happens to own an iPad — and it’s like, okay, I get it, you have an iPad.

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It’s weird — even foreign people who work their asses off 12-14 hours a day to help support their families (and extended families) expect some modicum of respect and decency from the Americans who call them for assistance.

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Pretty much every man on the parental fence knows, in the back of his head, hot girls will magically start flirting once that kid arrives. It’s what seals the fatherhood deal most of the time. In fact, close inspection of the Baby Bjorn owner’s manual shows that the world’s finest uncomfortable papoose-looking thingy was created to specifically aid a stay-at-home dad’s quest for Wednesday afternoon oral.

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Wait — what’s that you’re doing? You’re opening a new tab! But you have nowhere to go! Quick, get to weather.com before the self-shaming starts. You’re so devoid of willpower!

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It’s 2012 and possibly our last year on Earth. These six tips will ensure that you stay classy in your final hours.

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On first dates, you usually say something neutral but deeply insecure, like, “Yeah, all of my friends work at startups,” or “Remember Duke Nukem? Great game. Never played it, but great game.”

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I live way out in the suburbs, perhaps not in my mother’s basement, but she is very close by. My favorite shirt is from the Hard Rock Cafe. I’m desperately afraid to try new things, in life, at work, and in bed.

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Guess where your significant other is tonight! This is a super fun guessing game! What you do is you date someone who doesn’t really like you but you haven’t admitted that to yourself, and then spend a lot of time worrying where they are and who they are with when they ignore your texts!

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We live in exhilarating and confounding times. Mostly confounding. Here’s a concise glossary to help you make sense of it all without having to talk to anybody or subscribe to Wired magazine.

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The Party Girl still hits the old haunts, but now it’s mostly to reminisce with her bartender friends about old crazy antics instead of to create new mayhem. She used to sleep with the band guy back in the day, and now when she runs into him on the street she is stunned by how old and tired he looks; all gin blossoms and jowl.