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4. “Reality television” is full of smoke and mirrors.

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Working Britney to the bone for over a decade clearly proved detrimental to her well-being so I’m glad she’s shied away from the spotlight in recent years. What does make me sad, though, is how soulless she looks.

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Oh Kelly Clarkson and Darren Criss, I worship at your altars.

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Their debut single “What Makes You Beautiful” is probably the lonely Internet’s national anthem. I stand and put my hat to my chest whenever I hear it.

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Appearances by any/ all of the following guest judges: Bjork; John Cage; Marilyn Manson; GWAR; “Weird Al” Yankovic; G.G. Allin; Insane Clown Posse; corpse of Elvis Presley.