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Everyone wants to be a celebrity, especially if you live in New York or Los Angeles. You may not have millions but if you have an apartment below 96th street in Manhattan, you’re halfway to acting like you’re rich. First, tell everyone you know about how great it is living in Manhattan and how you “barely use the subway” because you can walk everywhere. This is key – especially when you’re with people who live in Brooklyn and Queens.
When you finally reach the girl with the list, you’re directed over to “standing” – a line of noticeably less attractive people. Watch everyone you’ve seen on the Internet breeze by to his or her seat, in streamlined silhouettes, immaculately groomed. See Kirsten Dunst and Natalie Portman, conclude they were just born with a different kind of oxygen around them. Feel like you’re in special ed class.
As you get you older, you’ll transition to reading grownup Vogue, bag yourself a hedge-funder named Barry and watch the days just languidly pass by. Sometimes, you’ll stir your finger into your cocktail without noticing because you’ll be completely in a daze. You’ll whisper to yourself, “I guess it’s….time….to get ready for the Multiple Sclerosis Disco Dance-Off Charity Ball.”