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Becoming a successful Housewife won’t happen overnight, but hopefully this insider information will help you thrive in the cutthroat world of Bravo’s reality empire. Who knows?

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“Why would you trust a girl with bigger tits than her head?” — Tamra, OC

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I loved my junk TV, and in talking about it, I sort of miss it. On a dreary day, it’s hard not to peruse the iTunes store for the latest season of Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules, a Real Housewives spin off starring the ultimate Grande dame, Lisa Vanderpump and her motley staff at the Los Angeles hotspot SUR.

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8. Fake eyelashes are a must; you aren’t a Real Housewife until you’re batting those inch-long babies.

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At the restaurant, a musical theater student brings the COUPLE DUBROW to their table, they order some D-words and discuss the other D-word. TERRY apologizes for bringing up the D-word and says he would rather D-word than ever D-word.

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3. There are a number of photos of you on the Internet doing “sexy” poses in skimpy outfits that are perhaps two to three sizes too small. In the photos you pose on top cars, in kitchens, bathrooms, door frames, etc.

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You know you’ve hit a rough patch when your life has started to resemble something that could easily be mistaken as the latest installment of a Real Housewives episode.

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Poor Kim Richards — she never can seem to catch a break, can she? Unlucky in love and in and out of rehab, she’s a sad tragic figure who spends her daze clutching old photographs from her child star days and throwing martini glasses at the gardner.